I tried to do the things I had promised myself I would do this weekend. I planned on doing some photography and get out of the apartment at least once every day. Even if just by myself to run a small errand. The past couple of weekends I haven't even showered or dressed and I have been feeling more and more depressed.
I got my camera stuff together. I decided to leave the Mamiya home. it is really bulky to carry around. I took my digital and 35mm film cameras. I started out going to Staples to get a new GPS. Mine is 4 years old and has started acting weird. I don't trust it and I rely on my GPS a lot. I don't need to be panicking about getting lost.
Before I went to Staples I stopped at the complex management office to take Ricco off the lease. I suddenly went from ok to bitchy. Then I went to Staples. I was irritated by drivers all the way there. I walk in and begin to orientate myself to the store and look for GPS. I know which one I want. I am greeted by a human version of Grumpy Cat. Seriously. He looked like Grumpy Cat...acted like him too. Anyway...he told me they couldn't look up my rewards card for me. That annoyed me. Someone else was able to help me with that so I finished my purchase and left.
The I headed toward the city to find some interesting architecture or something to photograph. I found sever possibilities but just didn't feel like parking and navigating snowy sidewalks with a backpack full of cameras and lenses. I drove around for awhile then headed home. I stopped at Wegmans to pick up a few things. I knew it would be busy but figured I would just get it over with. I got in the store and it was crowded and so noisy. God, it was noisy. I started to get anxious and forget what I had gone in for. The anxiety increased. I told myself that it was just anxiety, nothing more and it happens in Wegmans sometimes because of all the lights and noise and activity. The anxiety turned into a full blown panic attack. I was standing in between the produce and the flowers and thought, oh my God I am not going to be able to leave. I am frozen in place , shaking and I won't be able to leave. I told myself to just go to the checkout with what was in my cart. I told myself I could do it. I just have to walk to the check out. I got to the check out and thought I was home free but there was a price check on the pears.
Finally I got to the car. I got in and started crying. I was shaking all over and my heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was rocking my whole body. I cried pretty hard for a couple of minutes then pulled out because I didn't want anyone to see me. I was feeling a little better by the time I got home. It took me about 20 minutes to fully calm down.
I got my camera stuff together. I decided to leave the Mamiya home. it is really bulky to carry around. I took my digital and 35mm film cameras. I started out going to Staples to get a new GPS. Mine is 4 years old and has started acting weird. I don't trust it and I rely on my GPS a lot. I don't need to be panicking about getting lost.
Before I went to Staples I stopped at the complex management office to take Ricco off the lease. I suddenly went from ok to bitchy. Then I went to Staples. I was irritated by drivers all the way there. I walk in and begin to orientate myself to the store and look for GPS. I know which one I want. I am greeted by a human version of Grumpy Cat. Seriously. He looked like Grumpy Cat...acted like him too. Anyway...he told me they couldn't look up my rewards card for me. That annoyed me. Someone else was able to help me with that so I finished my purchase and left.
The I headed toward the city to find some interesting architecture or something to photograph. I found sever possibilities but just didn't feel like parking and navigating snowy sidewalks with a backpack full of cameras and lenses. I drove around for awhile then headed home. I stopped at Wegmans to pick up a few things. I knew it would be busy but figured I would just get it over with. I got in the store and it was crowded and so noisy. God, it was noisy. I started to get anxious and forget what I had gone in for. The anxiety increased. I told myself that it was just anxiety, nothing more and it happens in Wegmans sometimes because of all the lights and noise and activity. The anxiety turned into a full blown panic attack. I was standing in between the produce and the flowers and thought, oh my God I am not going to be able to leave. I am frozen in place , shaking and I won't be able to leave. I told myself to just go to the checkout with what was in my cart. I told myself I could do it. I just have to walk to the check out. I got to the check out and thought I was home free but there was a price check on the pears.
Finally I got to the car. I got in and started crying. I was shaking all over and my heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was rocking my whole body. I cried pretty hard for a couple of minutes then pulled out because I didn't want anyone to see me. I was feeling a little better by the time I got home. It took me about 20 minutes to fully calm down.
Replies
Getting out when you don\'t feel good is a huge step and I am proud of you. I often start to shake when I am in a store called Fred Meyer. its so hard to find parking and get around all of the people, mostly rude people. Seems every other time I go in and buy something the alarm on the exit door goes off and I start sweating. I know I didn\'t do anything but it starts the panic. This time of year is especially bad and I go to major grocers after 9pm. Sorry you had a panic attack but proud of you.
Same. Sounds like a hellish experience. Good for you for pushing yourself. Now relax and accept some comforting hugs ((((Cecil))))
Thanks Dooo and Donna. I don\'t feel like I had a success today but maybe I did. I know I don\'t want to do that again anytime soon. I love Wegman\'s but hate it at the same time. Wegman\'s is like grocery utopia here. They have a much better produce section , deli and bakery than the small store in town. I guess I will stick to the small store until after the holidays or wait until 10 pm.
I see your status and I am so sorry you are feeling alone. I was going to send this in a hug but I don\'t believe your profile is private? Not sure, but I want you to know you\'re not alone, we are here with you. Sending strength and as much happy as I can for your week ahead.
Oh I so love going to the store after 9, I even go at 11pm payday eve. I can stop my cart and look at things without someone plowing over me. The only store open that late is tardmart and I fit right in! The other good time to go is when the football game is on. I have tricks up my sleeve to avoid people as much as possible!!! Hugs.