I woke up again. I wish I wouldn't . I wish I would just die in my sleep. It wouldn't be my choice then. I wouldn't have to decide. It would just happen. Every day my objective is to regulate my emotion, allow myself to feel things without reacting and eat mindfully. I want to wake up and not worry about those things. I want to wake up and not think about how much I wish I was dead then immediately remind myself that it is just a feeling and it is ok to feel. Fuck that. For the rest of my life I get to do this? It is supposed to help??? Why can't I be like other people? Why do I have to do this shit??? Is this what my brain chemistry does for me? Is this what my family did to me? Is this what the people who abused me did to me? Do I even exist? Is there a tiny part of me that isn't fucked up?
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I have no doubt you will get through and past this phase of your healing. Feel free to say the same back at me when the time comes - because you are ahead of me on this road.
Yes, there is a part of you that is not fucked up. Your dreams reveal a deep and intense spiritual connection. I wonder if you could do a tiny bit of meditation each day, just to take a few minutes of the day and try to let go of your mind and your heart and just for a minute glimpse the part of you that stands apart from all this life drama. One way to touch that is to acknowledge your feelings and then ponder the question \"Who is feeling all this?\"
I don\'t know if you\'ll be able to do it. I\'ve started trying that, and sometimes I can and sometimes I can\'t. No pressure - it mustn\'t become another thing to fail at, another pressure or stress. But even lying in bed at night you can try to detach for a few moments.
I go through those feelings also, wanting to fade away in my sleep. I agree there are many parts of you that aren\'t fucked up. I wish I could give you advice on this, unfortunately I seem to stay trapped in the middle of the dream and awake stage. I believe soon those daily objectives will become something you don\'t worry about becoming a part of your everyday life. Huge hugs