I just feel so bad. So frustrated with myself. I keep losing my temper. I feel out of control and depressed, I guess. I want to find some balance and cool off the emotions. I want to quiet the voices. Every day I think it will be better , yet it isn't. Every day I lose control. I'm not saying my feelings are "wrong" I am saying I express them wrong.
 
I want someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok.
 
Maybe I need a break from social networks, from therapy, from thinking and from feeling. Maybe I need to shut myself down.
I wish I could close off the way some people do. The people that are always polite but nothing more. They are quiet unless spoken to or if something is needed.
I want to be the off-white wall with the eggshell finish.

Replies

darkenedheart
darkenedheart

Sorry to hear you are struggling so much with your feelings. I hope it passes soon.
bluedragon41
bluedragon41

Hmm...weren\'t you wondering where you anger was a while ago?

.Learning to handle emotions after you\'ve shut them off for a while is hard work.

I can\'t hold you and tell you it will all be ok, but I can tell you it will be ok. A bumpy ride, but worth it.
CecilBGreen
CecilBGreen

BD....sadly I have always been a bitch. Anger isn\'t new. Still not having anger towards abusers. Just being a general over reactive bitch.
donnawanda
donnawanda

It\'s okay, Cecil. I know it hurts a lot to see yourself behave that way, but you deserve to be forgiven. That IS the anger that belongs to the abusers, and getting mad at yourself for acting out that anger is just a trick to make you turn it against you. Please believe that and remember that. You can make a conscious effort to redirect the anger by rejecting getting angry at yourself, forging new neural pathways as you go! Even if you behave like a bitch, you can get angry at your abusers and say to them (in your head) \"This is all your fault!! It\'s all your fault I\'m acting like this!! Look what you\'ve done to me!! I refuse to hate myself for this!! It\'s all YOUR FAULT and I hate YOU for it!\" You don\'t have to believe it to say it. Please try this, because this is the truth and you need to break out of accepting all the blame, you really do.
darkenedheart
darkenedheart

The abusers definitely deserve your anger. Don\'t hate yourself or be angry at yourself, you did nothing wrong. I am angry with your abusers.