I wish I could get past wanting the approval of my therapist. I feel it gets in the way of being open and being able to talk about some things. I don't want him to see me in a bad light. I have told him some pretty ugly things about myself but for some reason that doesn't make it easier to tell him more.
There are things that I am so embarrassed to talk about yet they are things that I need to talk about. I think they are a big piece of the puzzle and understanding them will help me.
I dropped out of school in 6th grade. I had been struggling with agoraphobia for a couple of years. I had developed early and was tall for my age and had boobs and hips. The physical differences made me stand out. Even though I had above average intelligence people thought I was special needs because I looked like I was 16 to 18 when I was 11 or 12. Basically on top of the agoraphobia which made it so hard to leave the house, I looked like a freak. I did meet a girl in 6th grade who was a freak like me. We became best friends. It wasn't a healthy friendship thought. It led to drinking, stealing, sex, hitchhiking and running away.
There were tutoring interventions as well as changing schools plus 2 hospitalizations and 1 brief trip to a court ordered juvenile detention facility because I was an incorrigible youth. In the end I still dropped out of school by the age of 13. I fell through the cracks and became even more isolated. I spent most of my childhood 10 miles out of town in an old farmhouse that no one ever visited.
I never experienced high school or dating. I never "liked" a boy. I didn't know what it was like to experience a first kiss or flirt. When I was 15 I would convince my mom to drive me to the Holiday Inn and I would hang out at the bar and pick up men. That was how I dated.
I had no social skills what so ever but there were some people who took the time to get to know me and know that I meant no harm when I said stupid things. I really didn't know any better. People would say mean things to me and I never realized it was mean. If they told me I looked fat I just accepted it must be true. If they told me I was stupid that must be true as well. I just accepted whatever was thrown my way, good or bad.
TBC
There are things that I am so embarrassed to talk about yet they are things that I need to talk about. I think they are a big piece of the puzzle and understanding them will help me.
I dropped out of school in 6th grade. I had been struggling with agoraphobia for a couple of years. I had developed early and was tall for my age and had boobs and hips. The physical differences made me stand out. Even though I had above average intelligence people thought I was special needs because I looked like I was 16 to 18 when I was 11 or 12. Basically on top of the agoraphobia which made it so hard to leave the house, I looked like a freak. I did meet a girl in 6th grade who was a freak like me. We became best friends. It wasn't a healthy friendship thought. It led to drinking, stealing, sex, hitchhiking and running away.
There were tutoring interventions as well as changing schools plus 2 hospitalizations and 1 brief trip to a court ordered juvenile detention facility because I was an incorrigible youth. In the end I still dropped out of school by the age of 13. I fell through the cracks and became even more isolated. I spent most of my childhood 10 miles out of town in an old farmhouse that no one ever visited.
I never experienced high school or dating. I never "liked" a boy. I didn't know what it was like to experience a first kiss or flirt. When I was 15 I would convince my mom to drive me to the Holiday Inn and I would hang out at the bar and pick up men. That was how I dated.
I had no social skills what so ever but there were some people who took the time to get to know me and know that I meant no harm when I said stupid things. I really didn't know any better. People would say mean things to me and I never realized it was mean. If they told me I looked fat I just accepted it must be true. If they told me I was stupid that must be true as well. I just accepted whatever was thrown my way, good or bad.
TBC
Replies
Oh, Cecil, I do so relate. I, too, had let people define me...but, no more. And as you peel off the lies of abuse and dysfunction you too, will know what is your own truth.
As for your therapist, I wonder if it would help if you told him how you want his approval and how much you want him to see you in a good light and how that is getting in the way of you being able to talk about some things.
Sometimes having that honest awareness between the two of you can clear the air. It won\'t hurt to see.
xx
Have you considered a therapist you might be more comfortable with to talk about these things? I had two male therapists and one I could not talk about certain things with, the other made me feel very comfortable and I was able to talk.
I know what it is like to develop early, I had large boobs for my age and I was the tallest in grade school. I am not tall and do not have big boobs but I did then and I was made fun of. One of my bully friends decided it would be funny to have a ton of boys over in her hot tub at age 12 (what mother lets this happen??) and she put me into a bikini. I had never worn one and I came out and all of the boys were pointing. I wrapped myself back up in the towel and this is usually how my body stays, covered good or bad.
I am also extremely naive when it comes to men and people, what they say I take to heart.
I hope you are able to talk to your therapist and tell him your feelings of why you cannot completely open up.
Hun...If it helps at all, I hear you telling me that stuff and I think you were just an angry, sad, messed-up kid.
Nobody was looking out for you at all, and you were just kind of wildly flailing around looking for some way to feel better.
...I don\'t hear this stuff and think you were a bad kid, I hear this stuff and think you were a very, VERY hurt kid, who was trying to \"own\" what everyone told her she was and so take control of it.
I mean, they abused you and blamed you for it, right? And you thought it WAS your fault, right? So you were trying to take control of it, I think. Except it wasn\'t your fault at all.
Little you didn\'t know that at all.
Cut her some slack, she was trying to figure some really serious shit out with no help whatsoever.
I mean, look!
What kind of mom takes her 15-year-old daughter to hook up with adult guys in a motel???
Even at 15, that\'s STILL statutory rape in most states!
That\'s nutty!
...Don\'t judge younger you. Love on her instead, because she\'s a real fighter. She has a lot of guts, that kiddo.
You know what?
She got it right because she survived. That\'s what counts.