My day
Woke up kinda sad again. Slept good during the night though, The night before last i had 3 or 4 panic attacks during the night. So last night I took my usual medications: Lamictal and Metoprolol but added xanax, ibuprofen and a glass of wine. Pretty much slept like a baby.
This morning I spent a couple of minutes thinking about romantic relationships. I don't recall now what prompted that particular line of thinking. I found myself wondering why partnering up is so important to people. People aren't ashamed or embarrassed at all by their desire or search for a partner. They seek it out, they talk about it. They grieve when a partnership ends and are excited when a new one begins. People share in their excitement and want to hear all about it. At some point during this thought process I realized I am a freak. I realized I was thinking about human relationships as if I were an alien from a far away planet who is trying to figure out humans and their need for that connection.
This mad me so sad. I do vaguely know of the desire to partner up but I just don't think it can ever happen. I have never felt completely comfortable with someone. It is like I am holding my breath. I don't have to worry about it because I am undesirable so yeah, not an issue. It does make me feel confused. Confused about what I want and what I feel. Do I not want a partner or am I afraid? It seems like an insurmountable problem.
This morning I spent a couple of minutes thinking about romantic relationships. I don't recall now what prompted that particular line of thinking. I found myself wondering why partnering up is so important to people. People aren't ashamed or embarrassed at all by their desire or search for a partner. They seek it out, they talk about it. They grieve when a partnership ends and are excited when a new one begins. People share in their excitement and want to hear all about it. At some point during this thought process I realized I am a freak. I realized I was thinking about human relationships as if I were an alien from a far away planet who is trying to figure out humans and their need for that connection.
This mad me so sad. I do vaguely know of the desire to partner up but I just don't think it can ever happen. I have never felt completely comfortable with someone. It is like I am holding my breath. I don't have to worry about it because I am undesirable so yeah, not an issue. It does make me feel confused. Confused about what I want and what I feel. Do I not want a partner or am I afraid? It seems like an insurmountable problem.
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