No one can really understand someone else's pain. I don't understand theirs, they don't get mine. The concept that someone manages their rage by touching flowers fucking blows my mind. My rage is more about eviscerating myself or someone else. It is a storm inside of me, Maybe if I picked the flower and chewed it up then spat it out it would help.
I want to hurt people. I want to hurt them emotionally, maybe even physically. I won't though. I would feel bad about it later and I know how upset I would be if I was verbally or physically attacked. But sometimes I have fantasies about slowing taking a life while reminding them of how much of an inconsiderate, stupid ass they are. Many, many cuts. I would completely chicken out and be horrified at what I was doing.
Maybe I could do it to the right person. Maybe I should. I know about where he lives. Maybe I should just end this now. I mean why keep fucking around with this "healing" bullshit. I fake everything. I put a mask on and walk around. I'm splitting apart. Monday will come and it will be a little better (usually). Maybe not. Work has been really bad. Especially last week. Maybe it is a good time to end shit. There are only so many times I can pick myself back up. I think I am coming to the end. I should not have been born. I have not done anything worthwhile. I have wasted space and oxygen. Don't ask what has "triggered" me. Does it make a difference? Really? There will always be triggers. Nothing triggered me. Here is more honesty. Let's say I want to stop the internal voice that says I am hopeless so I tell it to stop when it starts. But maybe I AM hopeless. Which truth is right? The one I pick??? That is just fucked up. I could pick anything. I could decide my truth is to slice him open but there are laws against that. That proves there is a real truth, not just one I make up in my head.
I don't care any more. Why am I so afraid to die? I want to put my shit back in the box. This is one of those cases that it isn't helping to go through it. It is better to tuck it away. It doesn't leave me alone even when I sleep. Last night I dreamt I was being raped. Standing sideways in a doorway. Bracing myself against the doorframe. I could feel the thick layers of paint. It was green paint like at my parents house. I don't know who was raping me because he was behind me but I could feel a hard cock ramming against me and just missing my vagina and it hurt. I woke up fighting with blankets. It felt so real. My body still hurt.
The dream wasn't a trigger. It was going badly before that. The dreams are just part of everything else.
I want to hurt people. I want to hurt them emotionally, maybe even physically. I won't though. I would feel bad about it later and I know how upset I would be if I was verbally or physically attacked. But sometimes I have fantasies about slowing taking a life while reminding them of how much of an inconsiderate, stupid ass they are. Many, many cuts. I would completely chicken out and be horrified at what I was doing.
Maybe I could do it to the right person. Maybe I should. I know about where he lives. Maybe I should just end this now. I mean why keep fucking around with this "healing" bullshit. I fake everything. I put a mask on and walk around. I'm splitting apart. Monday will come and it will be a little better (usually). Maybe not. Work has been really bad. Especially last week. Maybe it is a good time to end shit. There are only so many times I can pick myself back up. I think I am coming to the end. I should not have been born. I have not done anything worthwhile. I have wasted space and oxygen. Don't ask what has "triggered" me. Does it make a difference? Really? There will always be triggers. Nothing triggered me. Here is more honesty. Let's say I want to stop the internal voice that says I am hopeless so I tell it to stop when it starts. But maybe I AM hopeless. Which truth is right? The one I pick??? That is just fucked up. I could pick anything. I could decide my truth is to slice him open but there are laws against that. That proves there is a real truth, not just one I make up in my head.
I don't care any more. Why am I so afraid to die? I want to put my shit back in the box. This is one of those cases that it isn't helping to go through it. It is better to tuck it away. It doesn't leave me alone even when I sleep. Last night I dreamt I was being raped. Standing sideways in a doorway. Bracing myself against the doorframe. I could feel the thick layers of paint. It was green paint like at my parents house. I don't know who was raping me because he was behind me but I could feel a hard cock ramming against me and just missing my vagina and it hurt. I woke up fighting with blankets. It felt so real. My body still hurt.
The dream wasn't a trigger. It was going badly before that. The dreams are just part of everything else.
Replies
Keep writing. Maybe you can\'t really cut him to death but you can write about it in excruciating detail, live it out on paper/screen. Take it out on flowers or flower pots - just don\'t take it out on yourself.
It\'s true I can\'t feel your pain but I do know that your future life doesn\'t have to be like your past life. And you\'re cleaning an awful lot of shit out - it\'s bound to be different in future.
After a dream like that I think it\'s a great idea for you to act out your feelings - in a way that doesn\'t hurt you. You should be defiant enough to say to all the people that hurt you in the past, fuck you, I\'m not going to do it FOR YOU. I\'m not going to hurt mySELF.
I sanded the crap out of a small sewing cabinet I am refinishing. Used my new random orbital sander. That could do some damage if used on sensitive bits. Too bad I did it in the middle of my living room....
Phew Whew!! Cec, you are dealing with a whole lotta sh** and I use to break my things way back when I was around 8 yrs. old. I broke an ashtray that I had just kilned (for my Mom i think? ...) for pottery. I threw it on the ground so hard it startled me but it felt good. Felt good not good good, but released some anger.
So sand the f** out of your cabinet project. It\'s really good sign that you are doi ng something like that. You are being \'productive\' and it takes focus off us and I find clarity when I do things productive. Journal if it helps you, Journal. I always did and I\'ve got 15+ journals/spiral ones. I use to call them diaries in therapy : )
Cec, I was raped a whole bunch of times, over and over every day. In college, a guy lived in building below my apartment. Then my ex... Yea I hear you dreams, night terrors are like that your experiencing. I use to go through all this Cecil. If you stay with it, you will get better. It takes a whole lotta f\'ing work. It sucks. :Oi