31st May
I AM NOT COPING
I thought time might help, but I am so tearful and hirting. I miss my children, I miss my wife, I hate what I'm becoming. I get so upset and cross and have to reign myself in! I am thinking I don't want to live anymore. Time is supposed to be a healer. Why does everything hurt so much.
Two weeks ago I wrote to my ex-wife and former parents in law to try and hold out a hand but nothing. I just wish my elderly mum would hurry up and then shuffle off, so I can sort this house out, try and make sense of things, and if they dont, slip away myself
Replies
Stop. Pause. Breathe. Choices.
Being a care-taker for an elderly parent is difficult. There's no real break, except to take a moment and reset your balance.
One of the most difficult things you will continue to face daily is the significant change in communication with the 'former'. Before ... happened, I had a huge support network. After ... happened, my entire support network collapsed for a number of reasons.
Once I wrote it out, established that contact with 'former' was not going to be successful for my goal-I kept it on the list of options tried and not successful. The reason for that was to acknowledge I did attempt it and if I wanted to attempt it again, it would not the original way again.
I then worked on another goal and in making the daily private journal to include at least one positive thing, I read over some of the early journal entries (they were private just for my eyes only), I realized that once I let go of the 'before' and let it become 'past', and focused on current 'day', I was in a better balance.
What this did was significantly lower my anxiety level naturally, so I was able to feel the hurt, the pain, and let it go - memories are cherished of the 'before'.
Do not give up on yourself. You are going to find a way to become 'you' now. It's going to be different from previous expectations.
That choice that forced the change-that's the choice you made, so own it, and use it to build your strength, your courage, and your ability to do what works best for you now.
As someone mentioned to me, it is not about right or wrong, it is a feeling, so work out the feeling.