I guess we all have pain in our life that we reflect on from time to time. I know now that because of my intense, sensitive personality, many people have come into my life because I can identify with their weakness and pain. However, I feel like I've developed clinical depression over the last 6 years, (which by the way cannot be treated because of the mish mash of cfs,) and feelings of intense fear, anger and anxiety basically cycle through every day. I can see now that, during times of extreme cfs relapse, my depression was sort of suspended as I was in a state of shock, trying to get through every day (alone) while my"new" husband worked long hours. I've met tons of great people in my life, but most never stuck by. I'm happy to say I have 3 or 4 "keeper" friends now. Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach thinking about all the laughs and conversations I have with people, all the while knowing I have so much pain and trauma inside of me. When I was about 13 years old, I vowed to myself that I would never forget my suffering and would always try to be the light that would shine on a fellow sufferer. I told no one about this.
Over the last 2 weeks I have had some mystical experiences that have revealed to me that over the last 20 years I suffered a very deep psychic depression in my soul. Some where inside of me I knew that my dream was a hoax. Helping people just seemed to cause trouble. Although happily married for 9 years, I suffered many traumatic, broken relationships, completed 9 years of school, unemployment and poverty for another 9 years and a surprise suicide attempt by my 15 year old daughter. I can see now that certain people were always present to get me through. To make a long story short, the Children's Aid Society got involved, my daughter was sent to live with paternal grandparents and never lived with me again. She lived in group homes and such and then severed ties with all family 17 years ago.
Sometimes I feel like all the counseling in the world will never be enough for me. In one of my mystical/ spiritual experiences, I relived a memory that I had simply forgotten because I didn't think it was important. Although I got pregnant before married at age 19, we married in the church and were a family for 5 years until we divorced. With very little money we had a somewhat decent life and thanks to churches and non-profit organizations in the large city of Toronto, maintained an almost middle class life.
However BACK TO THE MEMORY: I was 19 and dating a boy in my large, friendly, church youth group. I had a father and a wicked stepmom and his parents, who were very liberal, lived in another city. I became pregnant. We were both scared shitless and I wanted an abortion. Somehow (don't even remember how) I booked an abortion at a large downtown hospital. I was very disappointed it was not done right away as they said take 3 days to think it over. We were so freaked that an older couple from church (older, like 30) said I could stay with them while I kept up my first full time job after high school. Our group often had home bible studies. One night they asked my boyfriend to join us for dinner, however, before we arrived together THEY HAD FILLED THEIR LIVING ROOM WITH ABOUT 15 of our church friends. Looking back, I was very scared and confused waiting for the abortion the next day. I remember a haze of bible reading, prayers and I started crying. My boyfriend sat awkwardly beside me on the couch. THEN THE OLDER "youth group" members forced me to go to,a phone in the corner of the room and call the hospital to,cancel the abortion. I had actually NEVER thought of this experience for many, many years. BASICALLY I WAS THE VICTIM OF AN AGGRESSIVE INTERVENTION.
I suppose I was reflecting on this because my daughter suddenly freaked at the age of 15 and now she's out of my life probably forever. I told a few friends about this memory and how I have been going for grief counseling. I suppose my subconscious mind was asking "why, why, did I live my life around my daughter throughout my whole adult years and she's thrown it away "and WORSE has claimed its due to my character that she has done this. How can one begin to,describe this pain?
Ive never been big on thinking I know the truth, but lately I've thought alot about karma and each persons
Individual quest for spiritual identity. Somehow I feel I am finally starting to heal from my grief. I have noticed that joy has been a stranger to me for a long time. My body is like a sickly, aged one and "literally" my kids have dumped me. On some level I am starting to see that I have finished a chapter in my life where i no longer have the youthful,discovery of nature, music, good times, etc.. If I want to have childlike wonder again, I will have to relearn and re- experience things in a new way. Somehow I have started to shed an illusive layer of "guilt"? Not sure. Guilt about what ? Guilt about developing a chronic illness or guilt about failing as a mother? Or maybe it's just the heaviness of having to live day in and day out with such grief and trauma. I noticed lately I am letting myself act sillier, or laugh louder or rush over to see a lady bug. Whenever I would see young children I always felt such a very, very grave deep,sadness and yet I would love to make a joke or smile. I could never put a finger on this horrific, gauging wound inside of me. What is it? Why don't other people feel this?
I think subconsciously I knew that to survive and be accepted I had to like what most people like. I could never tell them I never really wanted to have children or that I wanted to be a journalist and a singer. Maybe I am finding my lost self. Anyway, the tremors in my legs are getting really bad and my symptoms are acting up so I better get ready for bed. I'm sure you're all exhausted from reading this, I sure am from typing. I think Life has alot of,good things but so much of mine has been wrapped up in cfs that even thinking about taking care of my emotional life makes me angry and resentful, ya like, I really have the energy for that!
Nevertheless,though painful, I feel a distant peace starting to,set over me and a new awareness of God's ever present nature. I just wish I didn't turn into an irritable bitch (yes, I said bitch) so much of the time--it is really draining and so hard to love myself.
Well I just read over my journal and have to say, FORGIVE ME GUYS, it's my Saturday night melancholy about the past mood. DS has made a big difference in my life. Just knowing I have these online friends makes me much stronger. Thankyou to all for sharing your inner lives with me.
Over the last 2 weeks I have had some mystical experiences that have revealed to me that over the last 20 years I suffered a very deep psychic depression in my soul. Some where inside of me I knew that my dream was a hoax. Helping people just seemed to cause trouble. Although happily married for 9 years, I suffered many traumatic, broken relationships, completed 9 years of school, unemployment and poverty for another 9 years and a surprise suicide attempt by my 15 year old daughter. I can see now that certain people were always present to get me through. To make a long story short, the Children's Aid Society got involved, my daughter was sent to live with paternal grandparents and never lived with me again. She lived in group homes and such and then severed ties with all family 17 years ago.
Sometimes I feel like all the counseling in the world will never be enough for me. In one of my mystical/ spiritual experiences, I relived a memory that I had simply forgotten because I didn't think it was important. Although I got pregnant before married at age 19, we married in the church and were a family for 5 years until we divorced. With very little money we had a somewhat decent life and thanks to churches and non-profit organizations in the large city of Toronto, maintained an almost middle class life.
However BACK TO THE MEMORY: I was 19 and dating a boy in my large, friendly, church youth group. I had a father and a wicked stepmom and his parents, who were very liberal, lived in another city. I became pregnant. We were both scared shitless and I wanted an abortion. Somehow (don't even remember how) I booked an abortion at a large downtown hospital. I was very disappointed it was not done right away as they said take 3 days to think it over. We were so freaked that an older couple from church (older, like 30) said I could stay with them while I kept up my first full time job after high school. Our group often had home bible studies. One night they asked my boyfriend to join us for dinner, however, before we arrived together THEY HAD FILLED THEIR LIVING ROOM WITH ABOUT 15 of our church friends. Looking back, I was very scared and confused waiting for the abortion the next day. I remember a haze of bible reading, prayers and I started crying. My boyfriend sat awkwardly beside me on the couch. THEN THE OLDER "youth group" members forced me to go to,a phone in the corner of the room and call the hospital to,cancel the abortion. I had actually NEVER thought of this experience for many, many years. BASICALLY I WAS THE VICTIM OF AN AGGRESSIVE INTERVENTION.
I suppose I was reflecting on this because my daughter suddenly freaked at the age of 15 and now she's out of my life probably forever. I told a few friends about this memory and how I have been going for grief counseling. I suppose my subconscious mind was asking "why, why, did I live my life around my daughter throughout my whole adult years and she's thrown it away "and WORSE has claimed its due to my character that she has done this. How can one begin to,describe this pain?
Ive never been big on thinking I know the truth, but lately I've thought alot about karma and each persons
Individual quest for spiritual identity. Somehow I feel I am finally starting to heal from my grief. I have noticed that joy has been a stranger to me for a long time. My body is like a sickly, aged one and "literally" my kids have dumped me. On some level I am starting to see that I have finished a chapter in my life where i no longer have the youthful,discovery of nature, music, good times, etc.. If I want to have childlike wonder again, I will have to relearn and re- experience things in a new way. Somehow I have started to shed an illusive layer of "guilt"? Not sure. Guilt about what ? Guilt about developing a chronic illness or guilt about failing as a mother? Or maybe it's just the heaviness of having to live day in and day out with such grief and trauma. I noticed lately I am letting myself act sillier, or laugh louder or rush over to see a lady bug. Whenever I would see young children I always felt such a very, very grave deep,sadness and yet I would love to make a joke or smile. I could never put a finger on this horrific, gauging wound inside of me. What is it? Why don't other people feel this?
I think subconsciously I knew that to survive and be accepted I had to like what most people like. I could never tell them I never really wanted to have children or that I wanted to be a journalist and a singer. Maybe I am finding my lost self. Anyway, the tremors in my legs are getting really bad and my symptoms are acting up so I better get ready for bed. I'm sure you're all exhausted from reading this, I sure am from typing. I think Life has alot of,good things but so much of mine has been wrapped up in cfs that even thinking about taking care of my emotional life makes me angry and resentful, ya like, I really have the energy for that!
Nevertheless,though painful, I feel a distant peace starting to,set over me and a new awareness of God's ever present nature. I just wish I didn't turn into an irritable bitch (yes, I said bitch) so much of the time--it is really draining and so hard to love myself.
Well I just read over my journal and have to say, FORGIVE ME GUYS, it's my Saturday night melancholy about the past mood. DS has made a big difference in my life. Just knowing I have these online friends makes me much stronger. Thankyou to all for sharing your inner lives with me.
Replies
Hi Pouty!
Goodness. This was difficult for me to read. Not because of the length, but more because I am a single parent....and have a daughter, and cannot imagine going through what you did, at such a young age.
I think these \"friends\" in the church group may have meant well, but, goodness!!! That was NOT the way to handle your current situation! You had made a decision and now were being forced to change it. Like you weren\'t already feeling confused and guilty enough as it were. I can\'t imagine how you must have felt.
I\'m so sorry this young lady tried to end her life at 15. I have no idea what all the circumstances were, but I\'m sure this was just a horrific experience for you. You truly have a very emotionally difficult past to deal with. I hope that you have been able to deal with all of it. The loss is tremendous! To not see your child, or even to have her blame YOU is just nonsense!! I\'m so sorry you have suffered through all of this. I wish I could help you!
I see that you have had therapy and counseling. I don\'t think any amount of \"other people\'s\" thoughts and comments in the mental health profession could ease the pain of what you\'ve been through. You have to find that painful spot and deal with it. Granted a psychologist/psychiatrist can guide you, and help you talk through the incidents so you don\'t chose to harm yourself or someone else in your grief!!! I\'m not saying they serve no purpose. I\'ve been in therapy for anxiety my whole life, and still have it! It just helps to have someone to talk to.
This is why I encourage you to write. I hope that by writing all of this down in this journal, that you have found some sort of release. You can\'t stop the pain, but you can DEAL with the pain, and find some freedom again. You need to move forward. Easier said than done, but if you are feeling a bit \"lighter\" and a \"distant peace\" is within your grasp, then I would say you are on the right track.
I believe in God. I believe in prayer. I will pray for you.....that you may begin to plant your feet firmly on the ground, express yourself, stop isolating, forgive yourself for anything you are still questioning all these years later, and let God help you. He can. I know it. I live it. I\'m sure about it.
If there\'s anyway I can help you, I am here! xoxo
Thankyou for all your love and caring. I think it was a type of,release for me to write it. I have so much I\'ve packed into my life between the age of 20-40 it\'s ridiculous. And most people know I have a sense of humour, it helps alot. I even started an article on my iPad called my \"Ripley\'s believe or not of my Ex- boyfriends!\" . If I ever get around to writing it, will be quite funny. There\'s the 1/2 Chinese naturopath Dr who left an old flame in his native Australia and rescued her from prostitution. He gave me a suitcase of her clothes she had abandoned and I wore one of dresses to a wedding! Got alot of compliments on this beautiful wine satin dress with black lace!
Your support means alot, thank God for my DSFriends.
The scars of the past continue to haunt us, I have a few myself.We have to learn forgiveness both to ourselves and others.We are imperfect human beings.You did the best you could at that time.I am so glad that the church intervened and your daughter was born.So her life has been difficult and so has yours, but none the less she was given a life and that was spiritually the best decision without a doubt. You may have struggled as a mother, you may have made mistakes, but you did not rob her of life.I can understand the heartbreak, due to her absence and the pain you suffer from regret.However you must forgive yourself.We are not in control, we are limited.I myself can barely type this for the deep pain I have in my heart of losing my first unborn son in a termination under a doctors instruction, due to an infection in my body.I later learned that the doctor was wrong and my son would have survived and the termination was unnecessary.My husband was also the father of this child.Both my children know nothing of this sad and sorry mistake.I have suffered pain and guilt for 39yrs, because he didn\'t have a life.Strangely the doctor lost his son in a car accident many years later.Sometimes I consider my long term illness is my karma for what I did.So pouty, your daughter still has a life, although I understand that sadly she is not sharing if with you.
My husband had two beautiful daughters from another relationship when he was very young . It\'s a long story, ,however one was adopted out at the age of two and she turned up on our doorstep at 14, a runaway.My husband answered the door and didn\'t have a clue who she was until she told him.The younger daughter lived with us from the age of seven until 15 when she returned to her mother.When I first met my husband he was very clear that there would be no children in our relationship, not ever. However we had two and he is an incredibly devoted father.So many stories to tell.Hey pouty, my husband was best man at my first wedding, how about that hey, ha ha.
Oh dear friend, this journey of life is not so easy, and we can be very hard on ourselves.We collect so many wounds along the way and sometimes they never seem to heal.However, God is in the heart of all living entities, and is most merciful.Love to you, Tiina xoxo
Just wanted to tell you , my daughter also tried to suicide at the age of 16yrs.She tried to jump from a high building in Bali and I grabbed her by her leg as she went out the window.She was violently raped in broad daylight, a few weeks after her fifteenth birthday.She was state champion in ballroom dancing and doing well at school.Her world fell to pieces, she dropped out of everything and turned to intravenous speed.Long story, but we took her out of the country to Bali to get her off the drugs.It all took longer than we thought but we got there in the end.Just sharing with you, not easy.Bye xo
Thank God we have a safe place to open our hearts up here. I\'m so sorry for this tragedy in your life, Di!! So sorry! xo
I wish you peace. Its so hard to face our demons and make peace with them. That is so painful. But i believe its a journey we must take, particularly with an illness such as cfs. We have internalized the sress for too long and it is tearing our bodies apart. Each moment we spend in negativity fans the flames of disease. Step one, work on finding your happy place. You have done a lot of reading, i see a wealth of exercises out there eg simply replacing the negative head talk with positive alternatives. lord jnow our foggy brains makes consistency difficult, but we have to keep trying, eventually the positive habits take hold. Please forgive yourself for evrything you look back at with regret. Please try to move forward with faith, hope and joy. I have lived with depression my entire life, i kniw how hard it is to fight, but it can be done. My sis went thru the loss of her daughter in a way similar to yours. She deals with that loss every day and is so depressed. I understand where your headspace might be. I encourage you as i encourage her, never give up.
I really appreciate the careful thought you have all given. Your empathy and my connection to you means the world to me.
pouty, my heart goes out to you. You certainly have been through a lot, I am glad you decided to share. i feel this is the start of recovery from any guilt & shame we harbor, sharing. We have all done things in our lives that we are not proud of & have things happen to us that cause us much pain & suffering. How horrible about your daughter, Hopefully, someday, she will decide that a decision made at such a young age needs to be revisited & she will contact you. Until then, please forgive yourself. We can\'t live a fulfilling life by every day beating ourselves up with the \"would of, could of, should of\" mentality. A counselor once told me to go out & find a long stick, tie a red ribbon on it end to end & hang it on the wall. Every time I wanted to beat myself up for something I was to take that stick & beat myself about the back & shoulders. He said it made no sense, just as it made no sense to beat myself up emotionally. I have gone through counseling a few times to deal with things in my life. One of the first things that helped me was a book by John Bradshaw called \"Healing the Shame that Binds You\". I recommend it to you, it was the beginning of my healing. I went to Amazon to see if it is still available & it is. You may be able to find it in a used book store for cheap, I love this book.
I am so happy you are feeling some peace with all that you have been through & all that you have been dealing with. I know what you mean about not having any joy in your life. My husband died four years ago & I went into deep grieving & depression & being sick, that was it. After three years I realized there was no joy in my life, I was numb & unfeeling. I did a lot of praying & trying to be aware of the good things in my life. This helped me to work my way out of the numbness, now I try to live moment to moment & not in the past.
I am proud of you for the work you are doing to let the grief go. You are a good person who, like all of us, has made mistakes & had things happen to you that were out of your control. Remember you are an imperfect human, perfection is beyond us right now. Pray for strength & guidance to make wise choices. You deserve to be happy. Many gentle hugs, Denise
Dear Pouty, Thank you for your openness and transparency in this journal. I can\'t imagine what you have been going through all of these years and the loss of your daughter. I am sorry the people from the Bible Study pressured you into making a decision that you didn\'t want to make. It is very hard to be young and confused and subject to the opinions of others. I pray for you all of the time, and am glad with the help of counseling and your DS friends you are becoming able to confront the past and all the pain that goes along with it. I know from my own experience that being chronically ill and incapacitated leaves a lot of time for inner growth - which can be very painful and very healing at the same time. Hugs, Morebooks
Pouty, please know just how incredibly brave and courageous you are! In my journey, I\'ve learned that everyone has guilt on some level. But it takes a tremendous amount of willingness and strength to heal it. And not everyone is ready to do the often intense work involved in looking at that guilt. Your journal shows you\'ve already begun! Sharing what you have here required an amazing amount of strength my friend. I\'ve learned that these illnesses give us opportunities for deep inner growth. On my individual path, I\'m seeing glimpses of the profound peace that lies on the other side of guilt. It can be difficult to stay there as this world and all it\'s challenges can be so terribly distracting. But the glimpses serve as such a good reminder of what\'s waiting for us if we\'re willing to do the self work.
I spent an entire year working with my healer/spiritual healer on ANYTHING in my past or present that was unresolved and causing me pain. I revisited my guilt, shame, traumas, etc. and with her guidance, I was able to experience deep healing on many issues. It was a lot of work. And I still have healing to do (some things are more persistent than others!) But my commitment to it was one of the best things I\'ve ever done for myself.
The sharing and self reflection you\'ve shared in this journal is a huge step Pouty. It\'s admirable! I\'m honored that you trusted us with your feelings. And when you show such strength, it ignites strength in others!
Sending you love and light my brave friend...