confusion

I don't know if I am mad or sad. I am mad because my husband is not with me anymore. Yes, I do have his ashes but I would rather have him here. I am sad because my birthday is on Monday and it will be my first birthday without him. I am on a cleaning phase everything I have to clean or it is not clean. Is there something wrong with me? I know this path I have been sent to is a long one with a lot of bumps in the road, but I am going to try my hardest to get though each whole or hurdle that I have in tell it is my turn to go. I will always have the memmories of my Martin in my heart don't think I will get into another relationship it is to dam hard for me. Guess, I will surf the net for a bit then watch tv and fall asleep with it on again.