lost
the fever mint a infection so I when I was in the hospital they did antibiotics and changed how much pain med the pump puts out. they did more scans and more tests and the cancer is going faster than they were thinking it would. I'm tired lot and don't feel good. I woke up and didn't know I went to the bathroom in bed. I don't know why. I didn't say anything to John. I don't think John wants me here. I wrote dad again but I don't think he writing me back. I guess I hoped maybe he cared but I know he don't and thats ok. I was hoping someone could care but I know that can't be and thats ok to. I just wish I could do 1 thing on my list but its ok, the list was dumb to do.
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Hey buddy.
I haven\'t been on here in a while, but saw some of your journal entries.
I\'m sorry to read that things are not going well. I can imagine that it feels very frustrating and scary. I wish there was something that I could say to make it easier.
For what it\'s worth, I\'m proud to see that you\'re fighting hard though and that you keep writing. It is important to get your feelings out, vs. letting them stay trapped inside of you.
Also, one thought about your brother:
it sounds to me from your comments that you love each other a lot. You both had a bad hand dealt to you in some ways (between cancer, the situation with your dad, etc), but you have been there for each other.
I cannot imagine that your brother doesn\'t want you there. That doesn\'t sound right at all, even if that\'s how you feel. I bet that, if anything, he feels scared and maybe feels guilty. It seems from one of your other posts (about foster care), that he worries that he let you down or that he did a bad job. It also seems like you don\'t feel let down by him at all but you\'re worried that you are a burden on him.
I will give you some advice. You do not have to follow it and only should follow it if it matches how you truly feel. If you feel it\'s true, tell him that you know he did his best and that it\'s not his fault that you are sick. Tell him that you\'re afraid. Don\'t ask him if you can talk to him... TELL him that you need to talk and then say what you want to say.
Good luck and keep writing. I am pulling for you.
thanks and I\'m going to tell my brother we have to talk but I\'m scared if he says I have to go. I don\'t want to go.i just want everything to stop.
Don\'t be afraid. When telling him how you feel, also tell him that you don\'t want to be apart from him.
Good luck!
he thinks I should go
I\'m sorry to hear that :( I am proud of you for saying what was on your mind though.