Monday
Monday I go in the hospital to have the pain pump put in because pills and patch are not working enough and I hurt so much. they say the pump is going to help much more and be constant so I should be feeling better. I will be there for 2 or 3 days if there no problem. I'm scared but I don't want to be.
I want to do my list of things to do before I die but I think its to long so I'm going to make it smaller. theres only a few I have to do but I don't know how to do them. I really want to know what its like to have a mom but I don't know how to make that happen. I really want John to go to college but I don't know how to make that happen. I want to learn how to swim but my doctor says no. I want dad to say sorry to John but dad hasn't written me back since I started writing him 9 months ago. I think I need to forget the list. I'm not usually a sad person but thats all I feel anymore. like nothing matters and whats the point. I understand why people kill themselfs.
I want to do my list of things to do before I die but I think its to long so I'm going to make it smaller. theres only a few I have to do but I don't know how to do them. I really want to know what its like to have a mom but I don't know how to make that happen. I really want John to go to college but I don't know how to make that happen. I want to learn how to swim but my doctor says no. I want dad to say sorry to John but dad hasn't written me back since I started writing him 9 months ago. I think I need to forget the list. I'm not usually a sad person but thats all I feel anymore. like nothing matters and whats the point. I understand why people kill themselfs.
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