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I was guna write more on my first journal that I did but it was getting really long so I'm guna make a new one. not feeling good today. the new patch helps. I guess I'm just feeling sad and I wish John was home. I never cry because dad always said men don't cry and if I do he would give me something to cry about. I believed him and hes not here but I still believe him but inside its like I need to cry but I can't. I guess that don't make sense. did the bone aspiration today and John missed work because of it. I couldn't walk after so he carried me. I know it bothers him even if he doesn't show it. doctor says the treatments are not working and that if the bone aspiration is good news then maybe we can try a new clinical trial. I'm out of breathe and I haven't done anything. I wish John was home. I want writemore but I don't feel ok. I'll try again later.
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so I\'m kind of worried because John came home from work early and when i asked him why he said he went in to talk to me doctor. he wont say what it was about but that just later we will talk after he thinks for a bit. his eyes were red and he wouldn\'t look at me. John never crys. so I\'ve been trying to keep myself busy. I starteda list of things in going to do and I have 23 things so far. I was trying not to make any of them impossible but reading it over I guess there are a few that might not be possible. I feel hungry I think but it kind of feels like a fire in my belly. I been sleeping lot and watching lot iCarly. I wrote dad again today, I hope he writes me back. I want to go outside but I can\'t, maybe tomorrow.