my story
I've been thinking that since things are going bad with the cancer and we can't get ahead of it then I want to write some about me so that one day when I'm gone I wont be completely gone.
first I want to write about John. John is my older brother and he is 19. I've been living with him feb this year. John was always the smart kid at school and he was the star football player in high school. John was always the kind of person that everything came easy to and our dad was always hardest on him. he left home when he was 16 and I don't think he ever saw our dad since that day. John didn't go to college but he wanted to. he wanted to be an engineer. I'm not sure what an engineer does but I know John would of been the best at it. he works 2 jobs. during the day he works at a grocery store and nights he works asa bouncer at a nightclub. he is really tall and strong and if you don't know him you would think he is scary but he's not. he would never hurt anyone because he knows how it feels to be hurt. he likes to read and at night if I can't sleep or a bad dream wakes me up he will read to me. he doesn't like to be touched as in at all. I tried to give hima hug once and he knocked me down but not because he is mean but because I think he hurts to much so when he reads to me I make sure I don't sit to close and make him unconfortable. most of my dr things he can't go to because of work but he always asks me what happened even though I know he talks to my advocate and she tells him whats going on. he asks me so I know he cares but he will never say those words. again he has to much hurt inside. I want to find a way to help him and I will because he deserves to be happy.
I have another brother and hes 15. his name is Taylor and John says he is just like dad. and he is. Taylors in juvenile hall for stealing a car. hes been there for almost a year and ina few months they will let him go. John says he can't come stay with us but I know he will let him because that's the way John is. I think Taylors crazy like my dad. he drinks and smokes and will take any drug or pill. he doesn't do good in school and gets in fights but he is funny and everyone likes him because he is always joking and not serious. I want to finda way to help him so he doesn't end up like dad.
our dad is in prison again but this time it will be for a long time because he killed someone. they gave him 22 years but he wont have to do all of it if he behaves. John says he hopes he never gets out but I hope he gets better. I've written him letters but I haven't heard back from him yet.
mom died when I was 5, I don't remember her much. John was 12 when she died and he says she overdosed on drugs on purpose. I don't have a picture of her or anything to remind me of her so I made up one in my mind. I think she was tall with long brown hair thats soft and a beautiful smile. when I picture her she is wearinga white dress likea angel. if theres a heaven I will see her there.
I'm starting to feel bad so I will write later because I need to take my medicine and it always makes me tired.
I'm back and feeling better. I feel tired and the pain medicine makes me feel weird but I can sit up. was watching iCarly, love that show. tomorrow I go for my PET to see if the treatments working and then on wednesday they will do the bone aspiration to see if its spread. if it has spread then we have to decide if a new treatment can be done or if its time for the pallative care. thats the word they use when they mean to make me comfortable until my body stops working. they are taking about putting a tube in my belly so I can eat but it wont be normal food but a drink ina can. I don't want anymore tube or scars but eating normal food hurts because of my mouth and throat and what the treatments done and then the throwing up so they say the tube is best. when I was in the hospital they do the tube in the nose but they can't send me home with that so they belly tube is the only choice. I'm not nervous about doing it but the part I don't like is waking up from surgery alone. the nurses are nice but they can't stay and have things to do so I pretend I have someone with me that holds my hand. I want to write more about John but I think I need to lau back down so I will later.
I'm back and out of breathe but I don't know why. I'm feeling worse but I want to finish this. I already talked some about John, Taylor and mom and dad so I guess its my turn. my name is Castor but most everyone calls me Cas. Taylor used to say that mom named me after a oil that makes people poop. John says I was named after a star in the sky. I guess I wont ever know what the truth is but I like the idea of being named after a star. I always keep my window open so I can hear the birds. even when its cold. John doesn't like that and yells at me all the time that I'll get sick leaving it open. I don't know if thats funny or crazy but every time he closes it I open it back up. I think if I were to live I would want to hike in every country and sleep in a tent so I can hear all the f iferent birds of the world in the morning. but 10 years might not happen so what I really want to do is learn how to swim and I want to know that John is going to be ok. I want him to get out of this town and go to college and find love and mary and have kids and be happy. I have to figure out how I can make this happen. I know I'm supposed to be writing about me but in a way I am because I want John to live for both of us. he always kept me safe from dad and I want to do this for him because he has to live for both of us.
first I want to write about John. John is my older brother and he is 19. I've been living with him feb this year. John was always the smart kid at school and he was the star football player in high school. John was always the kind of person that everything came easy to and our dad was always hardest on him. he left home when he was 16 and I don't think he ever saw our dad since that day. John didn't go to college but he wanted to. he wanted to be an engineer. I'm not sure what an engineer does but I know John would of been the best at it. he works 2 jobs. during the day he works at a grocery store and nights he works asa bouncer at a nightclub. he is really tall and strong and if you don't know him you would think he is scary but he's not. he would never hurt anyone because he knows how it feels to be hurt. he likes to read and at night if I can't sleep or a bad dream wakes me up he will read to me. he doesn't like to be touched as in at all. I tried to give hima hug once and he knocked me down but not because he is mean but because I think he hurts to much so when he reads to me I make sure I don't sit to close and make him unconfortable. most of my dr things he can't go to because of work but he always asks me what happened even though I know he talks to my advocate and she tells him whats going on. he asks me so I know he cares but he will never say those words. again he has to much hurt inside. I want to find a way to help him and I will because he deserves to be happy.
I have another brother and hes 15. his name is Taylor and John says he is just like dad. and he is. Taylors in juvenile hall for stealing a car. hes been there for almost a year and ina few months they will let him go. John says he can't come stay with us but I know he will let him because that's the way John is. I think Taylors crazy like my dad. he drinks and smokes and will take any drug or pill. he doesn't do good in school and gets in fights but he is funny and everyone likes him because he is always joking and not serious. I want to finda way to help him so he doesn't end up like dad.
our dad is in prison again but this time it will be for a long time because he killed someone. they gave him 22 years but he wont have to do all of it if he behaves. John says he hopes he never gets out but I hope he gets better. I've written him letters but I haven't heard back from him yet.
mom died when I was 5, I don't remember her much. John was 12 when she died and he says she overdosed on drugs on purpose. I don't have a picture of her or anything to remind me of her so I made up one in my mind. I think she was tall with long brown hair thats soft and a beautiful smile. when I picture her she is wearinga white dress likea angel. if theres a heaven I will see her there.
I'm starting to feel bad so I will write later because I need to take my medicine and it always makes me tired.
I'm back and feeling better. I feel tired and the pain medicine makes me feel weird but I can sit up. was watching iCarly, love that show. tomorrow I go for my PET to see if the treatments working and then on wednesday they will do the bone aspiration to see if its spread. if it has spread then we have to decide if a new treatment can be done or if its time for the pallative care. thats the word they use when they mean to make me comfortable until my body stops working. they are taking about putting a tube in my belly so I can eat but it wont be normal food but a drink ina can. I don't want anymore tube or scars but eating normal food hurts because of my mouth and throat and what the treatments done and then the throwing up so they say the tube is best. when I was in the hospital they do the tube in the nose but they can't send me home with that so they belly tube is the only choice. I'm not nervous about doing it but the part I don't like is waking up from surgery alone. the nurses are nice but they can't stay and have things to do so I pretend I have someone with me that holds my hand. I want to write more about John but I think I need to lau back down so I will later.
I'm back and out of breathe but I don't know why. I'm feeling worse but I want to finish this. I already talked some about John, Taylor and mom and dad so I guess its my turn. my name is Castor but most everyone calls me Cas. Taylor used to say that mom named me after a oil that makes people poop. John says I was named after a star in the sky. I guess I wont ever know what the truth is but I like the idea of being named after a star. I always keep my window open so I can hear the birds. even when its cold. John doesn't like that and yells at me all the time that I'll get sick leaving it open. I don't know if thats funny or crazy but every time he closes it I open it back up. I think if I were to live I would want to hike in every country and sleep in a tent so I can hear all the f iferent birds of the world in the morning. but 10 years might not happen so what I really want to do is learn how to swim and I want to know that John is going to be ok. I want him to get out of this town and go to college and find love and mary and have kids and be happy. I have to figure out how I can make this happen. I know I'm supposed to be writing about me but in a way I am because I want John to live for both of us. he always kept me safe from dad and I want to do this for him because he has to live for both of us.
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