I have been looking online for houses for days...I'm quite obssessed with it. I usually have to have something to focus intensely on, I've put away other things, now, I'm on a house hunt. I think about my healing process and i wonder if this isn't just another sneeky method of escape, avoidance, a hiding spot for a moment. oh well, at least it is productive. Yet, i feel that when i find "the" house and we're all moved in and unpacked, I will have to sit alone, again, with this void that is gaping in the deepest part of me.I have to move on.....not just from levi's edeath but so many things that I've dragged and beaten along the way. I see that God is bringing me to that place of letting go, He's just waiting for me to say uncle or something still to humbling for me just yet. At least I'm honest with myself. I know that giving my life over to the lord again isn't the easiest step for me to take after I burried my child, the same child I fought for in his earlier months of life. this just isn't an easy journey for any of us who have had to bare their child's death. it's not easy for anyone who has had to bare any untimely death.If anyone assumes that after a year that it is easier, for me, it's not, it's better most days but never easy. I still feel that twist in my gut every now and then and i still cry. But, mostly, I think about Levi and imagine him as a two year old, then a boy, then a man. I smile as I yearn for that to be but know that it never will. It still hurts. But, i'm turning a corner and my journey, however unconventionable, has to continue. I just need to open these fists that hold tight to the anger and pain. maybe God will pry them open on account of my foolishness and ignorance and stubborn mind. I need God back. I just need His help taking Him back...does that make sence? Oh, humanity is wondeful isn't it? I'm fortunate to have gotten this far!Tonight, i hope for peace one day. But to never forget my child or the lessons that I have been given, even those that scarred me. In one way or another, those lessons are all treasures, for us or for someone who listens.