I've been so sad for weeks now. I miss my Levi. Court is rescheduled so now I just think of Levi, one thing or another it seems. I kiss Zachary's neck and I remember kissing levi's....I remember his cry, his laugh, his smell, his strength in everything that he did. he was so strong.Remembering him in the hospital, after his surgery, i recall his determination and how his smile came back only after three days of having his poor little head cut open. His insision was from ear to ear, in a zigzag cut.I remember holding him in recovery, wanting to run like hell but knowing that I couldn't leave him. he was so white and cold. They told me that he was okay, but I knew that something was wrong. The next day, he had a blood transfusion.His cry was so deep when he cried then. I held him as often as I could, slept beside him on that chair and I cried when I had a moment to myself. It seems I cried every day for the first three months of his life. I just wanted to keep him.Then, he was better.....just like that. Yet, even sooner, he was gone, just like that. I held my precius baby again, he was white and cold, but that time, I knew he wasn't coming back. how I hated that realization. I still hate it. The breath from my lungs left me but I still fought for him to return to me. Still, a mother knows when her child is dead. It's like a twisting, gut wrentching stab to her innermost core. It makes her want to scream and scratch her skin off and at the same time, the pain leaves her motionless and defeated.It seems inhumane to accept your child's death. It's unfair and vicious, yet, at the very same time, a silent gift....I knew that Levi made it to heaven and that is so much more than most parents ever have even when their child dies at a ripe old age.
Replies
Hey Lindsey.....I was soooooo hoping that when Zachary was born that your pain would subside a tad, but I was also wondering if it would make your pain worse. I\'m kind of worried about you and worse yet, I don\'tknow what I can do or say to make things better. My heart bleeds to think of so many things in your life that need healing and it must be hard on where to begin to get your life back in order. Have you considered counseling? I\'m not a huge counselor person, but I just don\'t know how/what to do to help you.....guess all I can do is listen and allow you to grieve through the loss of your poor baby and grieve for the loss of a part of you that left when he went to heaven and the loss of you while you were in your last marriage and coming to realize that their was more pain to that relationship then you could every possibly imagine. I don\'t know if it\'s about forgiveness for yourself in these circumstances or what it is. Maybe you could take up a hobby to get your mind off things? Maybe take on a PT job while your hsuband is home to watch the kids? Maybe search other towns for organizations you may want to join? Something to get out of the house and be around people....to be amongst the livng and learning new ideas and concepts of thinking and myabe life won\'t seem so bad. All I know is every body heals differntly and in their own time. You are very brave to have made it this far and you will continue to endure....do something fun or just plain get out of the house by yourself, just to have you time to identify w/what\'s going on and reflect. you mean the world to me and if I could have one wish in the world, I would use it for you....for you to be happy, whole and complete. Miracles must be coming your way! Hold the faith! Lotza love, Paula XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I am so sorry for your pain. I can not imagine how horrible that was for you. I pray for you and your family to heal. LYL Tonya
Everything you have written makes total sense to me and I think it is a good thing that you able to articulate it so clearly. I think in the long run you are going to be just fine.
Lindsey, Levi is in heaven. He smiling with right now. I know it is hard but just keep taking those baby steps. With the help of our friends, we will keep walking. Lots of hugs, Jake\'s mom, Kathy