Here come my emotions.....I have fought them for a while now. I miss my baby. I miss my strong little guy, my monkey, my prayer.I feel so deep when I feel. I am lost inside of myself and my heart. Where is he? I know the answers but i still ask.My friend told me that I have to know why. I have to know how the puzzle turns out, I ache for the big picture. That's who I am.I cried so hard last night. He would have been two yesterday.I listened to his funeral service for the first time in a year. I remebered how he looked....just like a porceline doll. I remembered how i kissed him and how much i just wanted to pick him up and run like hell. But I knew that no matter how hard I ran or how far, he would still be dead.As I listened to our pastor at Levi's funeral, I remembered how determined I was then, in that moment, to tell the world that Jesus was the only way that we'll be reunited with our loved ones, that because of Christ, I will see my Levi again. Levi is my treasure in heaven. My family are my treasures.I'm a far cry from the woman I was at my child's funeral. My hope has dwindled and nearly burnt out. Where is my faith?I can't give in to whatever is happening to me. Levi is waiting for me to come home.if I sound crazy to anyone out there, i assure you that I don't care. I know that I am not. I finally know that.Levi was my taste of heaven. I loved him in a way that I can not define, it ran so deep and so strong. I fought for him the moment we touched, through the pnemonia, through his surgery, through his transfusion and even through his death, it was me fighting for him to stay. He didn't stay....but he IS waiting for me to come home when I am done here. How easily i forgot that truth in my grief.I can't run from my pain anymore. I have to embrace it.......but, also, I have to finish my job here and retain my hope and my faith and the love that Levi showed me. I have to share it.That will give me a reason, a purpse and a will. God has not forsaken me or anyone else. He just wanted to take my Levi out of this place and give him rest.....I need to somehow rejoice in my son's peace and comfort and happiness and I need to hold fast to the Lord God that I know and not give in to this void inside of me because Levi knows that God made me stronger than that.