I'm feelong better as far as the anxiety stuff goes. It's been a really long week! The big one happened 13:30 am friday morning, then, i had these little ones that frequented after that. My doc isn't fully convinced I'm having anxiety issues, he says that the episode friday was because of lack of blood circultion due to the weight of my uterus. Whatever. I am so tired of doctors anymore. I'm taking his advice and i'm also taking care of myself emotionally as much as i can.
I brought Levi flowers two days ago. His spot was freshly mowed and I felt so sad to be happy that his plot was mowed! None of this will ever feel good or normal. That's just reality now for so many of us.
Thank you all for supporting me. I'm so up and down. I'm thankful for all of you, honestly, from my heart. It can get lonely grieving like I do. Like we all are. I just take things so deep. I feel alien to the proper ways of handling this sadness. I'm so glad that I'm not alone and that I am not judged here for how I am saying my goodbye. i'm told by another friend that lost her child a long time ago that it takes years. Even so, I think that I'll hold on to Levi until I die. i don't want to say goodbye.
I know that he's gone and with the Lord and I know that's where he'll stay. But, he is a part of me and my precious child. Goodbye is not really an option for me. I believe that is mostly because I know that I'll kiss him again. I just have to wait.
My ex husband still crawls into my head constantly through the day. I'm am beyond words to explain how happy I will be when this chapter is officially closed in our lives. I hope taht teh judge will see the truth and that the truth hits his heart. This isn't for vengenace though it would be justified, I am doing this for my son and lastly for my sanity. i'm sick of being afraid of what he will do to my child. It honestly drives me to my very brink. Enough of that. I will just be at rest when it is all over.
I am getting so worn out with this preganancy! I will soooo happy when he arrives and i can smell him and kiss him. I will also be happy to won my body again! That may sound horrible, but even my doc is in awe of how big my tummy is and how big this sweet baby will be. You would think that after twins that nothing could faze me. I thought so. But, I must not have entirely healed or this baby is a strong one because this has been an achey ride beyond the norm. I almost feel like I did with the twins. Though, nothing could ever be like that pregnancy, they were so big.
I'm done for tonight. I'm still taking it in stride with writing as much so don't worry if I'm not on as often.
My new baby's bassinet is ready for him at the foot of my bed, I am getting excited and dreamy about feeling his tiny little hands wrap around my fingers.