I am trying tonight and tomorow to not think about the hurt and the fear I have endured for so long. I'm not whining or being dramatic, I am being ruined by my past and my loss. I wouldn't care if i could afford it.
My goal is to give my mind a break, at least for tonight and tomorow. I can't stay sane (or become sane) if i don't. I hate it, this break. I want to think about levi all day and all night. I want to hurt for him forvever. But, i'm losing control of myself. Why can't I grieve as deeply as i ache to? I had to bury him, why can't I have at least my sadness? It just isn't fair.
I don't care if anyone understands a word that I'm typing, but I hope that if someone has been struggling like me that they will know that it's okay to walk away to heal and to feel peace. We have to, I've learned that much this week.
court isn't until July, so I can put my ex and my fear of him aside. I have to. I haven't slept much without his ugly face appearing in my dreams. I have to at least escape him through the day.
My Levi wants me to stop punishing myself. I know that. It's so hard though. But, I have to for now or i'm going to turn into an empty space. My kids need me and I'm about to be a new mom again. i'm sure this baby is scaring me too.
I am strong but I am not steal, none of us are. And, tonight, i'm okay with my weakness more than I've ever been.
My goal is to give my mind a break, at least for tonight and tomorow. I can't stay sane (or become sane) if i don't. I hate it, this break. I want to think about levi all day and all night. I want to hurt for him forvever. But, i'm losing control of myself. Why can't I grieve as deeply as i ache to? I had to bury him, why can't I have at least my sadness? It just isn't fair.
I don't care if anyone understands a word that I'm typing, but I hope that if someone has been struggling like me that they will know that it's okay to walk away to heal and to feel peace. We have to, I've learned that much this week.
court isn't until July, so I can put my ex and my fear of him aside. I have to. I haven't slept much without his ugly face appearing in my dreams. I have to at least escape him through the day.
My Levi wants me to stop punishing myself. I know that. It's so hard though. But, I have to for now or i'm going to turn into an empty space. My kids need me and I'm about to be a new mom again. i'm sure this baby is scaring me too.
I am strong but I am not steal, none of us are. And, tonight, i'm okay with my weakness more than I've ever been.
Replies
I will say prayers for you. You are looking to gain some strenght back and I think you are on the right path. It\'s scarey to change, change can be hard and we are the only ones who can change ourselves....and it takes work. Your mindset is in the right place. You are okay right now, don\'t reflect on the future...let things happen day by day. For now, you are fine. :-) Good luck in dealing w/your inner demons. You are healing....it\'s just not as fast as you want it to. I see healing in you since I\'ve met you. Be happy about your progress so far. Love ya! Paula XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Hello. It\'s me again. In my opinion, you are trying to heal FAST! You feel wrong if you try not to hurt about Levi at all times, but you\'re not. Our body and minds can get an overload. Levi is with you, loves you and wouldnt be hurt if u tried to just be ok for a day. TRY TRY TRY to relax, and focus on whats good. Levis sister, your older son, your baby on the way!!! And your friends on here. Which YOU HAVE HELPED MANY!!!! Me included! To see what you deal with, shows me I can deal with my own crap, and makes me try a little more not to focus on negative. So THANK YOU FOR THAT! I\'m not sure what your court issue is. I dont think we\'ve talked about that. So I cant really give advice there. But you will be ok no matter what! If u r stressing or anxiety ridden, do something calming. A bath, a walk, read, tv, whatever it is!!! Love ya, Nichole