I cried in the shower finally. I just needed to cry I guess. This month has been off the wall and too busy. And, guess What? Our pretty, fancy minivan is acting up, already! I might have to pull a pregnancy flip out on the dealership owner and leave the dang thing there with him. Laws protect him, we've had it for four days, but, he's never seen me mad let alone mad and pregnant. We'll see what tomorow brings.
I am overwhelmed with my emotions with my ex. All negative emotions and they are grwing with a vengeance. This suit isn't about me, I'm just reglecting and still realizing how much he hurt my family and could have hurt my son. I can't believe that he really thinks that he's justified to demand anything, especially to be a father now after 8 years of nothing or psycotic chauos. He's only fighting because he's fighting me. I'm angry. I'm so angry and disgusted with it all.I wish that I could tell the world all of what he's done, but God knows and God will handle him.
Then, Levi. I hardly cry anymore. I hide from it, the crieing. I have to because of the kids and because I could cry until I died.
I'm angry tonight about that too. I know that it's ok to be angry and I'm not sorry for it because He is my child and he is dead. It's been a year, I am better. But, I miss him world, I just do. He was my little monkey and I am still so in love with him.
He wasn't born attractive. His sister stole the show with all of her gentle prettiness. But, he was mine. I loved his froggy eyes and his funny head. Because when he smiled, he meant it. It was often like he was wiser beyond his tiny life, there was something knowing in his eyes.
IU watched him and marveled at him. I fought for him and i cried over him.
Yet, I'm learning to respect and accept the way life has turned and will always turn. I'm just hoping with every breath in me that we never take a turn so sharp and fast again. I was and still often am only barely holding on as we go. That's life. I know. Without the falls and heart break and losses I would never know to appreciate anything.
Goodnight world.
I am overwhelmed with my emotions with my ex. All negative emotions and they are grwing with a vengeance. This suit isn't about me, I'm just reglecting and still realizing how much he hurt my family and could have hurt my son. I can't believe that he really thinks that he's justified to demand anything, especially to be a father now after 8 years of nothing or psycotic chauos. He's only fighting because he's fighting me. I'm angry. I'm so angry and disgusted with it all.I wish that I could tell the world all of what he's done, but God knows and God will handle him.
Then, Levi. I hardly cry anymore. I hide from it, the crieing. I have to because of the kids and because I could cry until I died.
I'm angry tonight about that too. I know that it's ok to be angry and I'm not sorry for it because He is my child and he is dead. It's been a year, I am better. But, I miss him world, I just do. He was my little monkey and I am still so in love with him.
He wasn't born attractive. His sister stole the show with all of her gentle prettiness. But, he was mine. I loved his froggy eyes and his funny head. Because when he smiled, he meant it. It was often like he was wiser beyond his tiny life, there was something knowing in his eyes.
IU watched him and marveled at him. I fought for him and i cried over him.
Yet, I'm learning to respect and accept the way life has turned and will always turn. I'm just hoping with every breath in me that we never take a turn so sharp and fast again. I was and still often am only barely holding on as we go. That's life. I know. Without the falls and heart break and losses I would never know to appreciate anything.
Goodnight world.
Replies
Truer statements have never been writen. Thanks for sharing them tonite. Lots of hugs, Kathy
you\'re in my prayers. i agree....do flip out at the dealership. good luck. some days are better than others. i certainly have my days. god bless.
Well sweet girl, after a year, the shock is just wearing off. I learned this in the many grief groups I went to. So in actuality, you are just beginning the \"Out of Shock\" grieving. It\'s reality grieving now. And that is NOT to discourage you! That is to show you that anyone expecting you to be better by now, are wrong!!! And he is BEAUTIFUL!!! He is a part of you that your body made!! In my eyes, you NEVER have to be done healing. And from my experience with a sister dying, not even my own baby, you will forever be grieving and healing on some level!!! I am thinking of you and praying for peace for you! Luv Nichole
So hoping you can get over some of this stuff soon .. Levi will always be special .. and it will always hurt .. Tim has been gone almost 7 years now .. and it still hurts .. part of our honouring of our kids .. to remember them .. even when it hurts .. cry those cleansing tears .. they are good for you .. and .. you are making huge progress ..
Well, Dear Lady, you just go ahead and pull the pregnancy flip out on the dealership, they have it coming and then some. If I could, I\'d send you some of my temper. They say that redheads have a terrible temper. I don\'t know about that, but I\'ll go along with it if it helps you. Levi is,was,and always be special. You said that he wasn\'t born attractive, well, I disagree. I didn\'t have the pleasure of meeting him personally, but I know that God made him beautiful because he is your son. I\'m still praying for your strenght and am keeping you in my thoughts. Much love and hugs, Stephanie
This was a great entry...you got your emotions out, while still acknowledging you have healed and what is logical and that you are human. Journaling can be very healing, and even though I know you are sad and angry, you are moving on and you will be okay. Don\'t be too har on yourself about the healing. When this whole court thing is done, you\'ll feel much better. Let\'s not forget that most woman I know in their last few months of pregnancy have an alter personality coming out. It\'s not a bad thing, it\'s just the hormones coming out. That is normal. You\'ll always make it through...things iwll be much different in six weeks! You\'ll have so muchlove in your heart for your new baby....it will be healing. LOVE YA! P
i love you and i hope you realize that I am here for you no matter what.. i know that i say that a lot but, its because i mean it. I hope things get better for you... i am sure that they will...