World, i had a crappy day. I wish that I could be more articulate but that really sums it up.
I try so hard to be strong. We all do in our own ways. And, most of the time, I'm convinced that I at least pull it off a little, the whole being strong front.
I cracked today and did it with grace none the less, but I did crack.
I started shaking horribly at my dentsts office and became dizzy and faint. My dentist sent me home because he didn't want me to get worse and he didn't want to hurt the baby. i was glad, I nearly ran out screaming.
I shook all the way to my mother inlaws ans I realized that something was really wrong with me becasue I wasn't getting better after leaving the dentist (I thought that the drilling freaked me out). I was still dizzy and disoriented by the time that I pulled up to get my daughter.
Long story short, I sat white as a sheet in my mother inlaws house waiting to decide to go to the hospital. I was scared but I didn't want the doctor to tell me that I was nuts, though I've long wondered since Levi died.
But, after an hour, I could speek again like myself and I ate some lunch which helped too.
I say that I cracked because that's how it felt. I couldn't pretend that I was ok because I couldn't pull out of it enough to convince anyone.
I miss Levi so much and so deep and this court stuff has made me a wreck. Really, an absolute disaster.
I ran around the house like a maniac when we sued my ex in the begining, I was so scared that i was beside myself. then, I realized how my naked fear was affecting my oldest, he was getting stomach aches from me stressing him out. So, I pulled it together, end of story. I was so ashamed of myself for scaring him.
But, I only kept it all inside and it has built along with Levi's death anniversary this month and everything else this year, maybe the last 15 years. I'm a freaking mess. Such a mess that I'm near to losing my mind.
I can't go to counceling, I've tried and I'm willing and i'm open and I'm honest but very therapist, councelor or psychologist sees me as being so much more competant than I really am. they always have. I could say anything to them and they still think that I am fine. So, i believed them. They told me that I am strong and inspiring and such a good person BUT the reality of me and who I am is that i'm a ticking time bomb and I am starting to crack, like it or not. Yet, I can crack with a smile, I can't even help it. Isn't that bizarre?
I'm sick of this insane inabilty I have to let go. I try to.
I feel crazy tonight. I feel lost and angry and tired through my soul. I want to cry or scream or beat the hell out of something but i can't. How do we do this life thing without losing our minds? Really....
I held my baby, my treasure and my heart while he was dead, dead of all things.
My ex husband is a terrorist, a true terrorist and i have to see him and stand tall in his monsterous presence while I know that i'll ache to vommit or scream. Why are people like him here? Isn't is bad enough that our children can die? Yet, there is a man among many who love to hurt and ruin other people in ways that are unchangeable.
I'm just tired of all the fighting and struggling and overcoming. Today was hard and hurtful and embarrassing. I am scared and I realize now that life will turn it's way no matter how I feel or even if it kills me.
I have hope somewhere, but it's hiding beneath all of this mess tonight. I'm not at a giving up point, that's not me! Of course it's not, that's why I'm insane!
I'll get some sleep and hope that tomorow will be better. Maybe I'll dicover something that i've over looked or that is simply waiting for tomorow.
I try so hard to be strong. We all do in our own ways. And, most of the time, I'm convinced that I at least pull it off a little, the whole being strong front.
I cracked today and did it with grace none the less, but I did crack.
I started shaking horribly at my dentsts office and became dizzy and faint. My dentist sent me home because he didn't want me to get worse and he didn't want to hurt the baby. i was glad, I nearly ran out screaming.
I shook all the way to my mother inlaws ans I realized that something was really wrong with me becasue I wasn't getting better after leaving the dentist (I thought that the drilling freaked me out). I was still dizzy and disoriented by the time that I pulled up to get my daughter.
Long story short, I sat white as a sheet in my mother inlaws house waiting to decide to go to the hospital. I was scared but I didn't want the doctor to tell me that I was nuts, though I've long wondered since Levi died.
But, after an hour, I could speek again like myself and I ate some lunch which helped too.
I say that I cracked because that's how it felt. I couldn't pretend that I was ok because I couldn't pull out of it enough to convince anyone.
I miss Levi so much and so deep and this court stuff has made me a wreck. Really, an absolute disaster.
I ran around the house like a maniac when we sued my ex in the begining, I was so scared that i was beside myself. then, I realized how my naked fear was affecting my oldest, he was getting stomach aches from me stressing him out. So, I pulled it together, end of story. I was so ashamed of myself for scaring him.
But, I only kept it all inside and it has built along with Levi's death anniversary this month and everything else this year, maybe the last 15 years. I'm a freaking mess. Such a mess that I'm near to losing my mind.
I can't go to counceling, I've tried and I'm willing and i'm open and I'm honest but very therapist, councelor or psychologist sees me as being so much more competant than I really am. they always have. I could say anything to them and they still think that I am fine. So, i believed them. They told me that I am strong and inspiring and such a good person BUT the reality of me and who I am is that i'm a ticking time bomb and I am starting to crack, like it or not. Yet, I can crack with a smile, I can't even help it. Isn't that bizarre?
I'm sick of this insane inabilty I have to let go. I try to.
I feel crazy tonight. I feel lost and angry and tired through my soul. I want to cry or scream or beat the hell out of something but i can't. How do we do this life thing without losing our minds? Really....
I held my baby, my treasure and my heart while he was dead, dead of all things.
My ex husband is a terrorist, a true terrorist and i have to see him and stand tall in his monsterous presence while I know that i'll ache to vommit or scream. Why are people like him here? Isn't is bad enough that our children can die? Yet, there is a man among many who love to hurt and ruin other people in ways that are unchangeable.
I'm just tired of all the fighting and struggling and overcoming. Today was hard and hurtful and embarrassing. I am scared and I realize now that life will turn it's way no matter how I feel or even if it kills me.
I have hope somewhere, but it's hiding beneath all of this mess tonight. I'm not at a giving up point, that's not me! Of course it's not, that's why I'm insane!
I'll get some sleep and hope that tomorow will be better. Maybe I'll dicover something that i've over looked or that is simply waiting for tomorow.
Replies
no worries being articulate just don\'t come so easy to some of us. why is it that you\'d like to be more articulate? from what i can tell there is nothing wrong with you or the way you are :). and as far as being insane goes, i myself am insane and if you take a step back you\'ll see all of the \"normal\" people are wearing straight jackets while us \"insane\" people are wandering free
Stop being so hard on yourself. When you are having a bad day, retreat. When it\'s a better day than go about your day. Never worry what you tell us, we are not here to judge. We are here to help each and everyone of us get through our journey. Lots of hugs, Kathy
Thanks guys! It was a bad day. I was out of it most of yesterday.My stress and emotions jsut built up and came out the only way that they could. If I get like that again, i\'ll have to tell the doc to put me on something, it was bad. But, today is better, i took it easy for the most part. I just hate it when I can\'t explain how I feel, that\'s what I meant by articulate. I actually did fine but it was hard writing last night, the words just wouldn\'t come to mind! I was like a jello brain. I know that i\'m only human, I just hate feeling out of control of myself, especially as a mom. I couldn\'t drive my daughter home becasue i was dizzy and felt really weird. So, I stayed at my mother in laws house and couldn\'t even talk much, which is so not me. Anyway, the day was hard and I hated it. i hope you all are doing good today! thank you for your supposrt!
Hey, I didn\'t read this journal entry til now...I\'m a tad bit slow! I have gotten really dizzy myself. I do have vertigo at times do to motion, BUT their is a separate type of dizziness I get when I\'m stressed and don\'t take care of myself......when my dad has his stroke and I needed to take care of my mom and my nephew needed support w/leaving his wife and taking care of his two boys, well, I was leaned on quite a bit, ended up w/dizziness and feeling out of it and the doc said it was anxiety, although I didn\'t wanna believe her....I look back and she was right. Sometimes things get all pent up inside and the body just can\'t handle anymore, so therefore reacts the only way it knows how....it tells us things aren\'t right and we need to fix something. LIKE I had to stop being a doormat for everyone to wipe their feet on when I couldn\'t handle allllll thier stuff anymore and wasn\'t taking care of me. I internalized soooooo much of other people\'s stuff that my body reacted. That is what I think may have happened to you...just a guess. I understandthe counselor thing, people always thing I\'m strong and fine, eventhough I\'m not. your friend probably doesn\'t know how to help you and odesn\'t know what to say and therefore may be waiting for you to say something to her that you need help...but if you are the stronger one in the friendship, she may jsu tnot know how to help you......I\'m having a hard to explaining it, but I suffer the same problem with friends. I\'m happy you\'re doing better. I\'m sad that I missed this entry....too much on my brain and let\'s not forget the frieght train that is going through my head....this darn ole\' cold! take care, my friend, I bless you w/a great day and forever more of them! Love, Paual XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX