Some days, i still want to ball up and sob out all of my pain. Some days I just want to sob because i am smiling when just a year ago, a peice of my heart and part of my soul went down into the earth. All that I could do was watch, i couldn't change it. How can I smile? How can i laugh?
I dreamed last night that my baby daughter swallowed a toy and it was stuck in her kneck. I picked her up casually and noticed it and i felt that panick again. As the words stumbled from my lips to my husband that she needed to go to the hospital, she lost conciousness. I woke up sick to my stomach and just terrified.
These draems do crazy things to me. I'm a wreck all day. I wish that I could brush them off like they were impossible and ridiculous, but so much has happened that I never expected to be a truth in our lives.
While i stand here still, I battle with my weaknesses and my powerlessness. As a mother, I want to be stronger than criptinite.
the what ifs do only make me crazy. I am better at avoiding those.
but, i ache to turn back time still. I was so close to him when he died, only seperated by a wall and i had no idea, no idea.
life is so fragile. It makes me crazy to know that! Crazy because I am so inferior to a plan that I don't always agree with.
People say that death isn't always for a raeson or some divine purpose and i want to stomp my feet.
Levi died to accomplish something. Nothing else makes sence. Nothing else whispers to my heart that it'll all be ok.
If God knows everthing then he just plain knows everything. Nothing is left unseen to Him and nothing is a suprise. Even if it appears to be cruel to me, Levi's death has given something life.
If i let it all in again, I'm not sure I could bare it. so, neough for tonight. I'm well enough tired to fall asleep soon. Maybe tomorow, i won't resent my smile. We have our days, the better ones and the ones that bring us back.
I dreamed last night that my baby daughter swallowed a toy and it was stuck in her kneck. I picked her up casually and noticed it and i felt that panick again. As the words stumbled from my lips to my husband that she needed to go to the hospital, she lost conciousness. I woke up sick to my stomach and just terrified.
These draems do crazy things to me. I'm a wreck all day. I wish that I could brush them off like they were impossible and ridiculous, but so much has happened that I never expected to be a truth in our lives.
While i stand here still, I battle with my weaknesses and my powerlessness. As a mother, I want to be stronger than criptinite.
the what ifs do only make me crazy. I am better at avoiding those.
but, i ache to turn back time still. I was so close to him when he died, only seperated by a wall and i had no idea, no idea.
life is so fragile. It makes me crazy to know that! Crazy because I am so inferior to a plan that I don't always agree with.
People say that death isn't always for a raeson or some divine purpose and i want to stomp my feet.
Levi died to accomplish something. Nothing else makes sence. Nothing else whispers to my heart that it'll all be ok.
If God knows everthing then he just plain knows everything. Nothing is left unseen to Him and nothing is a suprise. Even if it appears to be cruel to me, Levi's death has given something life.
If i let it all in again, I'm not sure I could bare it. so, neough for tonight. I'm well enough tired to fall asleep soon. Maybe tomorow, i won't resent my smile. We have our days, the better ones and the ones that bring us back.
Replies
At a minimum, coming from someone who has never met you, Levi has opened your heart and your mind to a better way of thinking and believing. He has created an understanding in you of other people that you may never have seen of felt. He has made you a STRONGER, DEEPER self. I can see it in your writing, I can hear it in your words. You are a very brilliant writer, and that is where you will best heal. Levi is your little guardian angel. And a BEAUTIFUL one at that! MUCH LOVE, Nichole
jakobe\'s death has taught me some things. 1. always treasure today because tomorrow is never promised to you. 2. everything happens for a reason....sometimes we may never know the reason.
i was a little down yesterday and today. i took my daughter to the circus last night and seemed like everyone had a little boy except me. i told my husband i was depressed and he didn\'t do anything to help me feel better. i was a little ticked off with that. i wish so much that jakobe was here. god bless.