I'm ok today! Yeah, everything happens for a reason and if we have any sence at all, we move on and learn.
I'm nervouse about facing my ex husband in court soon. I still am not aware of a court date, but it will happen. I'll be glad when it's over.
What am I talking about? Well, my ex is my second nightmare, has been for way too long. He went to prison for trying to kill me in 1999, he got out in 2003, and is the father to my oldest. My story with my ex is way to morbid and twisted to explain, if I did try, I would become enraged like i ususally do when I let those memeories flow. But, he is a nightmare. A scary, terrible nightmare. He is capable of things that we only see on tv. The tv, we can turn that off but my ex, well, he just won't quit.
So, I'm sueing for his paternal rights and my husband today is going to adopt him. I'm sure that we'll win this fight, but of course, my ex is fighting though he has not seen or helped with his son for 8 years. Really, no joke or exageration, it's been 8 years. My son saw him for about 10 minutes in 2003, i had brought him some clothes at a half way house once he was out of prison. I can't explain exactly why I helped him. That will be another entry when i'm ready to open up those doors a bit. But, besides that, there has never been help or letters or cards unless my ex thought that i was still in the game. It was never about Taylor, it was always about controling me. How i hate that.
But, had he helped, he would be in the picture and he hasn't been, so that is a blessing. I use to get so mad, furiouse when I came home from a long day at work at 17 years old and I would realize that i was on my own with a baby. My ex complianed about prison, how it was unjust, while I, a teenaged wreck was trying to keep it together for our child. Prison was nothing compared to the hell i faced. I'm not saying that in regards to my son, I'm saying the hell inside of me from the damage my ex suffuciently and intentionally left. Then, add responsiblity and productivuty when I could hardly open my door at night without becoming nautious from fear. I just can't explain it at all. So, my ex has never payed child support nor has his family bought diapers or food for Taylor. No clothes or presents, no insurance or money for sports, no socks or underware, no phone call to say hi or that they are sorry in 8 years. Honestly, not much occurred with them when Tyalor was around them either. Yet, they are fighting for my ex's rights. Why? Not because of love or hurt, but because I am standing up and finally cutting that last cord. It's truly all about control. and, they know that i am afraid, i always have been. But, this time, they will entertain a different Lindsey. I will at least appear to be strong and fearless and I won't let their presence buckle me at the knees. Maybe then they will see that they are foolish and wasting their money. Money that could have been spent these last 8 years on helping with taylor or helping taylor's father with all of his deeply woven issues and sicknesses, not that it would have helped. I believe that he is beyond any human aid. It's unfortunate but very true.
I have to stay cool emotionally. I just have to. I am doing the right thing and that inspires me and builds me up to face this. I've put it off and hid for so long. it's just time. I can't wait for the devil to knock at the door anymore. I can't just hope that he'll leave my son alone. I have to take him on and let him know that I am done and that I have no simpathy for him today and that his tears will fall on a cold lap if he dares to cry to me. He ruined my innoscence and so many other's. I am finished caring if he feels anything at all. Truth be known, all he will feel is the slap in the face, not the loss of his child, that's all he can feel. If that weren't true, i wouldn't do this. If he felt at all for anyone but himself, he wouldn't be the man that he has been and done the terribe things that he has. I hope my slap stings deep, even if I pay for it later.
I'm nervouse about facing my ex husband in court soon. I still am not aware of a court date, but it will happen. I'll be glad when it's over.
What am I talking about? Well, my ex is my second nightmare, has been for way too long. He went to prison for trying to kill me in 1999, he got out in 2003, and is the father to my oldest. My story with my ex is way to morbid and twisted to explain, if I did try, I would become enraged like i ususally do when I let those memeories flow. But, he is a nightmare. A scary, terrible nightmare. He is capable of things that we only see on tv. The tv, we can turn that off but my ex, well, he just won't quit.
So, I'm sueing for his paternal rights and my husband today is going to adopt him. I'm sure that we'll win this fight, but of course, my ex is fighting though he has not seen or helped with his son for 8 years. Really, no joke or exageration, it's been 8 years. My son saw him for about 10 minutes in 2003, i had brought him some clothes at a half way house once he was out of prison. I can't explain exactly why I helped him. That will be another entry when i'm ready to open up those doors a bit. But, besides that, there has never been help or letters or cards unless my ex thought that i was still in the game. It was never about Taylor, it was always about controling me. How i hate that.
But, had he helped, he would be in the picture and he hasn't been, so that is a blessing. I use to get so mad, furiouse when I came home from a long day at work at 17 years old and I would realize that i was on my own with a baby. My ex complianed about prison, how it was unjust, while I, a teenaged wreck was trying to keep it together for our child. Prison was nothing compared to the hell i faced. I'm not saying that in regards to my son, I'm saying the hell inside of me from the damage my ex suffuciently and intentionally left. Then, add responsiblity and productivuty when I could hardly open my door at night without becoming nautious from fear. I just can't explain it at all. So, my ex has never payed child support nor has his family bought diapers or food for Taylor. No clothes or presents, no insurance or money for sports, no socks or underware, no phone call to say hi or that they are sorry in 8 years. Honestly, not much occurred with them when Tyalor was around them either. Yet, they are fighting for my ex's rights. Why? Not because of love or hurt, but because I am standing up and finally cutting that last cord. It's truly all about control. and, they know that i am afraid, i always have been. But, this time, they will entertain a different Lindsey. I will at least appear to be strong and fearless and I won't let their presence buckle me at the knees. Maybe then they will see that they are foolish and wasting their money. Money that could have been spent these last 8 years on helping with taylor or helping taylor's father with all of his deeply woven issues and sicknesses, not that it would have helped. I believe that he is beyond any human aid. It's unfortunate but very true.
I have to stay cool emotionally. I just have to. I am doing the right thing and that inspires me and builds me up to face this. I've put it off and hid for so long. it's just time. I can't wait for the devil to knock at the door anymore. I can't just hope that he'll leave my son alone. I have to take him on and let him know that I am done and that I have no simpathy for him today and that his tears will fall on a cold lap if he dares to cry to me. He ruined my innoscence and so many other's. I am finished caring if he feels anything at all. Truth be known, all he will feel is the slap in the face, not the loss of his child, that's all he can feel. If that weren't true, i wouldn't do this. If he felt at all for anyone but himself, he wouldn't be the man that he has been and done the terribe things that he has. I hope my slap stings deep, even if I pay for it later.
Replies
everything in court will go fine....i just know it. who in their right mind would take sides with your ex-husband. god bless you for all you went through with your ex husband. take care!!!
Good for you... Court will go fine I am praying for it. And good for you for standing up. Lots of hugs, Kathy
Good luck in court. I wish I could write like you do. I know it would help me as well. Keep at it as each day will get a little easier and the more feelings you can deal with, the more of yourself you can give to everyone else. Take your time and of course don\'t rush it because your are right, pushing feelings aside so you can be OVER IT, comes back to bite you at the most inopportune times. Many hugs to you!
There are not enough words in the human vocabulary to express how proud I am of you for doing this. I fell that you finally have the strength to do something you have wanted to for a very long time. I love Taylor so much and he and I will always have a special bond and I am sure in long run he will proud of you just like I am for protecting him. I am sure that court will go fine and if there is anything I can do to help you win I will do it in a heartbeat. I love you Lindsey.
You have been through so much that they can\'t hurt you anymore. You will win what is justly yours just steer clear of him afterward. I can\'t believe how strong you are. It\'s just amazing. Janna
Lindsay you are in my prayers. You are doing the right thing! This type of man can be very manipulative. Stand your ground, you have the law and God on your side.