ok, let me explain one simple thing. When I write about levi, I write what is on my heart for that moment. I feel release when i write and I also feel further along in my grief process.
I will never stop writing about the moments that I experience. Not ever. he might have been only a baby and he might now be dead a year, but i am his mother and i will always remember him and I will never completely let go of him. There is nothing wrong with that.
I am with my family, physically, emotionally and spiritually. My life never stopped, the world never stopped but I still hurt. It takes years to move beyond that hurt. My dreams run very deep in me as does everything that meens something to me. It is all deep. That is how I am made. That is what makes me the mother and wife and person that I am.
I've made steps at my pace. I don't feel or think that I am lagging behind or that I am in trouble with my grief. I am simply real about it.
People think so many things until they know what it's like. It's easy to say move on when you aren't me. It's easy to think that my process is lagging when you didn't love my son.
I don't cry myself to sleep any more and I only visit his resting spot very couple of weeks now. I use to go every day in the begining. Now, it's once or twice a month, to bring fresh flowers or to tidy up. I have a healthy visiting routine.
His clothes are put away now, no longer in their drawers. that happened the weekend following his first death anniversary.
I am not in trouble with my grief, I am doing things in the way that I have to do them.
I write about my moments because too many people think that they are going nuts when they're not. They think that because others judge their circumstanse. The world is pushy and fast to get on with things.
I'm not.
it will catch up with me if i go too fast.
He is my son and I will hold on to him until I hold him again and i don't care if anyone thinks that is unhealthy. It's unhealthy to pretend that his death was only a fleating moment in my life. Because that is saying that his life was just a moment. Neither will be forgotten by me. My children are my most valued gifts.
I have been to counceling and have many friends who are councelors. I am well aware of myself, i always have been. Counceling offers me little most of the time any way. time and God are the true healers and they are working fine.
I am capable of saying how i feel and how i cope. that is hard for some and they just don't get it. Some are worried when they shouldn't be because they don't get it. Well, I'm doing great and I will continue to write when i have my moments and if i'm misunderstood, or misread, I can't care.
I will never stop writing about the moments that I experience. Not ever. he might have been only a baby and he might now be dead a year, but i am his mother and i will always remember him and I will never completely let go of him. There is nothing wrong with that.
I am with my family, physically, emotionally and spiritually. My life never stopped, the world never stopped but I still hurt. It takes years to move beyond that hurt. My dreams run very deep in me as does everything that meens something to me. It is all deep. That is how I am made. That is what makes me the mother and wife and person that I am.
I've made steps at my pace. I don't feel or think that I am lagging behind or that I am in trouble with my grief. I am simply real about it.
People think so many things until they know what it's like. It's easy to say move on when you aren't me. It's easy to think that my process is lagging when you didn't love my son.
I don't cry myself to sleep any more and I only visit his resting spot very couple of weeks now. I use to go every day in the begining. Now, it's once or twice a month, to bring fresh flowers or to tidy up. I have a healthy visiting routine.
His clothes are put away now, no longer in their drawers. that happened the weekend following his first death anniversary.
I am not in trouble with my grief, I am doing things in the way that I have to do them.
I write about my moments because too many people think that they are going nuts when they're not. They think that because others judge their circumstanse. The world is pushy and fast to get on with things.
I'm not.
it will catch up with me if i go too fast.
He is my son and I will hold on to him until I hold him again and i don't care if anyone thinks that is unhealthy. It's unhealthy to pretend that his death was only a fleating moment in my life. Because that is saying that his life was just a moment. Neither will be forgotten by me. My children are my most valued gifts.
I have been to counceling and have many friends who are councelors. I am well aware of myself, i always have been. Counceling offers me little most of the time any way. time and God are the true healers and they are working fine.
I am capable of saying how i feel and how i cope. that is hard for some and they just don't get it. Some are worried when they shouldn't be because they don't get it. Well, I'm doing great and I will continue to write when i have my moments and if i'm misunderstood, or misread, I can't care.
Replies
Did someone tell you your grieving wasn\'t normal? To me it seems to be very healthy and helpful to write and talk about it. These may not be the right words, but I am so happy for you that you are making progress and not letting others tell how it\'s \"supposed to be\". I had to tell one of my really good friends mother (she is like my mom too, she was with me when I gave birth), that I was going to grieve for how ever long I felt like because she thought that because she had moved on I should\'ve also. I politely put her in her place and I think she understands now. She can\'t push me to be over this, I\'ll never be over it. Anyways, I\'m glad to hear that you\'re healing.
thanks for sharing that with us. it helps others who are healing too.
yea i agree it is not what everyone else wants or feels u have to do what uu want and how u feel i know people do it to me to the tell me to let it go that is what they say stop pondering on what could have been is what people tell me it is not what could of been it is not something in the store that i could have had if i had the money it was my baby and it was real not mabey
Let me just say one thing. For anyone to comment in a negitive way on feelings that we express is not right. I am not so sure I would have handled the response you got with the reserve you just did, and I only lost my husband not a child that I felt grow inside of me for 9 months. You take all the time you need and do what ever you need to take care of you. Levi is and will always be a part of you and that should never change. My Aunt lost a child 48 years ago and to this day goes to the grave site once a month.
You are right. This world has gotten way too fast paced. It\'s rush here, rush there, collapse and do it again the next day. That\'s not the way we\'re meant to be and we\'re teaching it to our children too. Play a hundred different sports, do your homework, set play dates. What have we become? Why can\'t kids play like they used to? Why can\'t people relax at home on weekends? It\'s gotten out of hand and unfortunatly it has spilled over onto how quickly you should greive and move on. You stick to your way of doing things at your speed and it\'s nobody\'s business but yours. Take care, JannaA
You just go ahead and write whatever you feel you need to! That\'s the purpose of a journal,hon. There is no time table on grieving, so don\'t worry about it. Levi is your heart, and sometimes you need to let it spill out. That\'s okay! You carried this wonderful child for 9 months, you have every right to express yourself the way you feel is best for you.
HELLO, I MUST APPOLIGISE FOR SAYING YOU NEED GRIEF COUNCELING. IF WRITING HELPS YOU WITH YOUR GRIEF, THEN I WAS TOTALLY WRONG. I DO HOPE YOU\'LL FORGIVE ME. I SURE DIDN\'T MEAN TO HURT YOU, YOUR HURTING WAY TOO MUCH ALREADY. I REALLY WAS WRONG.\"I AM ASHAMED.\". MY SUPPORT GROUP IS FOR RHUMATOID ARTHRITIS. I\'M NOT IN THE GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP., WHICH IS WHY I FEEL I WAS OUT OF LINE. I KNOW GRIEF IS HANDLED DIFFEREHNTLY BY EACH PERSON, & I\'M GLAD WHAT YOUR DOING IS HELPING YOU.
PLEASE FORGIVE MY STUPIDITY,
VICKY
HELLO, I MUST APPOLIGISE FOR SAYING YOU NEED GRIEF COUNCELING. IF WRITING HELPS YOU WITH YOUR GRIEF, THEN I WAS TOTALLY WRONG. I DO HOPE YOU\'LL FORGIVE ME. I SURE DIDN\'T MEAN TO HURT YOU, YOUR HURTING WAY TOO MUCH ALREADY. I REALLY WAS WRONG.\"I AM ASHAMED.\". MY SUPPORT GROUP IS FOR RHUMATOID ARTHRITIS. I\'M NOT IN THE GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP., WHICH IS WHY I FEEL I WAS OUT OF LINE. I KNOW GRIEF IS HANDLED DIFFEREHNTLY BY EACH PERSON, & I\'M GLAD WHAT YOUR DOING IS HELPING YOU.
PLEASE FORGIVE MY STUPIDITY,
VICKY
Our grief is our own to do with as we please. Not to suit our husbands, family or friends. We all move at our own pace. Some sprint and that works for them. Some take there time. It is whatever works for that particular person. I am glad you stood up and said how you feel, but you shouldn\'t have to explain your grief, not where you are in it nor where you are headed. Lots of hugs, Kathy