If I close my eyes and think without trying so hard, I can see his face and nearly feel his skin touching mine. I imagine my face against his, I can almost smell the milk on his breath and know his expression. We are together again, frozen in a moment.
I long for him still, he was my salvation in so many ways. I begged for his life when he fought for it and I cried so many tears that I often ran dry. All I ever wanted was to hold him while he struggled to breathe and ached with hunger. I just wanted to hold him and stay close to him always. I think that he knew that. I think that he waited for me to comfort him in that hard and cold hosptal bed.
I hated the wires and I hated the needles but knew that they gave him a fighting chanse.
He came home from the hospital twice and I was sure that we were free. i started to smile and laugh with my little son and his twin sister and his big brother. I started to have peace because in his eyes was comfort and security.
Then, he was gone. His beautiful smile and the smell of milk on his breath. He was no longer mine to touch and laugh with.
His leave crippled me. I could not pray him back, his body was in a white, soft box in the ground covered with dirt. I could dig to him but he wouldn't be there like he was before. I would just prove my insanity if i tried. But, how does a mother walk away from her child? even if he's gone and left only his body for me to yearn for?
so many thoughts circled in my mind that I still don't dare to explain. I screamed until i was hoarse and cried until i was barren and void. I clung to the air and only asked why. It was my lifelong nightmare before my eyes and empty arms. How could God be so cruel? How could Levi's job be done?
I'll never know until i die. I can't change what is done. I accept that my precious is gone from his toys and room, his dresser drawers and his sister's gaze. I accept that Levi will not play video games with his older brother and Levi will not say my name again until I find him.But, my heart is still broken and crying for him. I am his mother, after all, I can not help but cry for him, my son.
But, if I close my eyes, for a moment, he is next to me and we are inseperable. It is just us and we are smiling again. I smell the milk on his breath and I feel his face pressed against mine. I can hold him as long as I can keep my eyes closed and it seems so real.
I long for him still, he was my salvation in so many ways. I begged for his life when he fought for it and I cried so many tears that I often ran dry. All I ever wanted was to hold him while he struggled to breathe and ached with hunger. I just wanted to hold him and stay close to him always. I think that he knew that. I think that he waited for me to comfort him in that hard and cold hosptal bed.
I hated the wires and I hated the needles but knew that they gave him a fighting chanse.
He came home from the hospital twice and I was sure that we were free. i started to smile and laugh with my little son and his twin sister and his big brother. I started to have peace because in his eyes was comfort and security.
Then, he was gone. His beautiful smile and the smell of milk on his breath. He was no longer mine to touch and laugh with.
His leave crippled me. I could not pray him back, his body was in a white, soft box in the ground covered with dirt. I could dig to him but he wouldn't be there like he was before. I would just prove my insanity if i tried. But, how does a mother walk away from her child? even if he's gone and left only his body for me to yearn for?
so many thoughts circled in my mind that I still don't dare to explain. I screamed until i was hoarse and cried until i was barren and void. I clung to the air and only asked why. It was my lifelong nightmare before my eyes and empty arms. How could God be so cruel? How could Levi's job be done?
I'll never know until i die. I can't change what is done. I accept that my precious is gone from his toys and room, his dresser drawers and his sister's gaze. I accept that Levi will not play video games with his older brother and Levi will not say my name again until I find him.But, my heart is still broken and crying for him. I am his mother, after all, I can not help but cry for him, my son.
But, if I close my eyes, for a moment, he is next to me and we are inseperable. It is just us and we are smiling again. I smell the milk on his breath and I feel his face pressed against mine. I can hold him as long as I can keep my eyes closed and it seems so real.
Replies
HI FROM AZ.
I THINK IT\'S TIME YOU GO INTO SEE A GRIEF COUNCELER.
LIFE GOES ON, & YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOU. YOU CAN NOT DO ANY MORE FOR LEVI, HE\'S AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN NOW. CONCENTRATE ON THAT.
VICKY
I know it is hard for you....your feelings are normal and please don\'t feel bad for having them. Some passings take longer than other\'s to adjust to, if you will. My mom\'s death, it wasn\'t too bad..it was her time, and she needed to be released from her sick body and get to go to heaven to be healthy and with the Lord. However, Miguel\'s death/killing tears at my heart almost everyday. No sense can be made as to why this happened. This passing/death is going to take a long, long time. Just like yours with your son will take time. On my computer I have Miguel\'s little picture smilling there at me. And it makes me happy, I don\'t want to ever forget his face...but it also makes me sad because he isn\'t here, but he is with the Lord, just like your precious Levi is. Give as much love and hugs and kisses as you can to your sweet babies that are still with you. You won\'t ever forget Levi. Just try to rest in the Lord....let Him hold you, just cling to Him...and even tho it does seem cruel for Levi to have suffered waht he did and leave way before you were ready, nothing is ever going to change that. That is the hard part...it is done. Keep on sharing your feelings, don\'t be hard on yourself and if you want to see a grief counceler then try it. I have thought of that for myself, but am not at that place yet.
Big hug to you, with love, anna