today was niether here nor there. i was pretty lazy to be honest.some days I jsut decide that I hate housework, so I put it off. I almost convince myself to not do anything at all. But, when my house is unattended, I'm a wreck of diorganiztion. Hormones do not help, that's for sure. thank goodness I only have to be pregnant 7 more weeks... I'm so grateful to be with child, somehow, God thinks I can ahndle it, though I question His reasoning... but, this whole belly bulging, feet swelling and everything aching deal is a little much on my perky mood. I don't get "normal" pregnant world, I get HUGE. I can't even recall how i made it so long with the twins, for those of you that don't know, they were over 7 lbs each. Yeah, and they were 4 weeks early.
I think about levi so often still, I'm glad. i heard this ong today that i use to dislike and I just ached for him. I wish that I could have seen him take his first steps and all of the rest...I imagine it sometimes, what he would look like walking around with his big brother and twin sister. I laugh because I know that two toddlers would be a handful. But, somehow, with twins, they never seemed too much because they had the same schedules. People would ask, "how do you do it?", i'd always say, you just do it!
My daughter is so precious but has certainly been showered with a tad bit too much of everything. She's quite sassy and stubborn. I have to catch myself from finding her temperment adorable and humorous.
She's l;ike a tiny ballerina tryinmg to wear a tootoo to big for her. She's small and dainty but full of attitude.
My oldest is intellectual and comic. He blows me awy with his approach to so many things. In alot of ways, he reminds me of myself, full of questions and often too sure of himself. But, mostly, he just wants to know that the world is still moving and that everything is ok or will be.
i still wonder if I had checked in on Levi sooner, what would today would be like. So many questions circle through my mind... would he have woke up and if he did, would he have been ok? And if he was ok, would he die later anyway? I know that those type of questions will drive me mad....i really know that. But, i will probably always wonder and reach to know more about why.
I fell in love with that baby in a way that is incomparable to any other love I've had. I know that i gave him all of me, I was afraid not to.
All of my children have me, levi just needed more for a while. I know that something inside of me knew that God was going to take him. I'm honestly not insane or only trying to believe that now. I told my mother, while I was pregnant, that I knew that one of my babies was struggling. She was the only one who listened.
No, he wasn't sick when he left, but I always felt like I had to hold on to him with all of me. Then, I started to let go a bit, I was almost sure that it was ok. then, he was gone, as if God waited for me to back down.
My husband chalks it all up to every parent being worried along those lines. But, my very soul told me that he wasn't going to stay. i juts fought it with all I had, hoping that I was just paranoid.
He was like a gift that I had waited for all of my life. He opened me up inside in ways that I never knew existed.
Do you know what makes me crazier than losing Levi? The children and babies that are hurt in this world. Beyond the cruelty of it, I just can't grasp how anyone could ever hurt a child. It infuriates me to a point that words fail to express. My stomach twists and my heart races when i hear of children being treated like garbage. Children are the closest to innoscence that this twisted world posesses... it just makes me crazy to know that any child is hurt willfully by someone who is stronger.
I could write all night long about the hatred I have for those who brutalize the week...surely, those people will face their justice in the end and my anger will not compare to the consequence that they face.
a better note, I go to the doctor tomorow to possibly set my delivery date. i like to refer to that such date as my new little boy's birthday. I'm a little excited about that!
I'm tired now so I will stop before I mumble on. I hope to get back to everyone on their journal entries someday. i have to get on line before bed time in order to do that though.
I think about levi so often still, I'm glad. i heard this ong today that i use to dislike and I just ached for him. I wish that I could have seen him take his first steps and all of the rest...I imagine it sometimes, what he would look like walking around with his big brother and twin sister. I laugh because I know that two toddlers would be a handful. But, somehow, with twins, they never seemed too much because they had the same schedules. People would ask, "how do you do it?", i'd always say, you just do it!
My daughter is so precious but has certainly been showered with a tad bit too much of everything. She's quite sassy and stubborn. I have to catch myself from finding her temperment adorable and humorous.
She's l;ike a tiny ballerina tryinmg to wear a tootoo to big for her. She's small and dainty but full of attitude.
My oldest is intellectual and comic. He blows me awy with his approach to so many things. In alot of ways, he reminds me of myself, full of questions and often too sure of himself. But, mostly, he just wants to know that the world is still moving and that everything is ok or will be.
i still wonder if I had checked in on Levi sooner, what would today would be like. So many questions circle through my mind... would he have woke up and if he did, would he have been ok? And if he was ok, would he die later anyway? I know that those type of questions will drive me mad....i really know that. But, i will probably always wonder and reach to know more about why.
I fell in love with that baby in a way that is incomparable to any other love I've had. I know that i gave him all of me, I was afraid not to.
All of my children have me, levi just needed more for a while. I know that something inside of me knew that God was going to take him. I'm honestly not insane or only trying to believe that now. I told my mother, while I was pregnant, that I knew that one of my babies was struggling. She was the only one who listened.
No, he wasn't sick when he left, but I always felt like I had to hold on to him with all of me. Then, I started to let go a bit, I was almost sure that it was ok. then, he was gone, as if God waited for me to back down.
My husband chalks it all up to every parent being worried along those lines. But, my very soul told me that he wasn't going to stay. i juts fought it with all I had, hoping that I was just paranoid.
He was like a gift that I had waited for all of my life. He opened me up inside in ways that I never knew existed.
Do you know what makes me crazier than losing Levi? The children and babies that are hurt in this world. Beyond the cruelty of it, I just can't grasp how anyone could ever hurt a child. It infuriates me to a point that words fail to express. My stomach twists and my heart races when i hear of children being treated like garbage. Children are the closest to innoscence that this twisted world posesses... it just makes me crazy to know that any child is hurt willfully by someone who is stronger.
I could write all night long about the hatred I have for those who brutalize the week...surely, those people will face their justice in the end and my anger will not compare to the consequence that they face.
a better note, I go to the doctor tomorow to possibly set my delivery date. i like to refer to that such date as my new little boy's birthday. I'm a little excited about that!
I'm tired now so I will stop before I mumble on. I hope to get back to everyone on their journal entries someday. i have to get on line before bed time in order to do that though.
Replies
Tommorow sounds exciting,let us know about your delivery date.That is so wonderful.I believe you when you say somehow you knew,even when you were pregant that something was wrong, I had so much anxiety the entire time I was pregant, it was when I finally relaxed a bit that I lost the pregnancy,I think we do have insticts that 6 sense, or whatever you want to call it, children are such a blessing,you are so right they are our most precious blessings,I am thinking about you and hold you close in my heart and praying for you too. Hugs, love to you . Kate