I'm better today. My neighbor would love to know that she still makes me crazy! So, I won't let her anymore. There, it's settled!
I've been getting restless again. I should go bring Levi some flowers tomorow, the weather has been so nice this week.
I'm in contact with my estranged family since my sweet grandmother passed away. Nearly all of my family is in texas and most of them have been strangers to me for over a decade...weird how death can open up lost doors.
my grandma was special. All grandma's are, but she really was amazing. she did everything one imagines a grandma doing. She gardened her own vegetables, canned her vegetables, sewed for her kids, grandkids and church friends. She made blankets, dresses, pants, shirts and anything else. She cooked three home made meals a day and kept her house clean. I swear, she was a machine! She never stopped even to the last day she lived. They were actually getting the gardens ready for spring before she died.
We called her Memaw. I was embarrassed in my teens to call her that but she ignored me if I called her anything else... she made me wear dresses with big poofy sleaves and giant bows in my hair. I was usre that she was out to ruin me for so long. But, that was just her way. Her ways were different tahn the rest of my family, she was pretty old fashioned and happy to stay that way. I often felt a world away from her becasue I was so "hip" (or so I thought). I honestly wish that I could have seen her for who she was more than I did. But, I alsways knew that she loved me, truly loved me and that was a rare commodity for me then and even now. i always knew that she was there. family was the only thing taht mattered to her. Especially her grandchildren. She wanted to most for us and she made us crazy telling us how much she wanted the most for us. She wanted us to be educated and above average. She knew that if she helped us get there, that she succeeded in the most important thing to her.
I am a student but I primarily stay at home. School is sooo important to me but my kids and home and family come first. I hope that I can be more like her. No, I'm not good with a needle but I'm learning slowly. And, my thumb is brown, not green, ask my houseplants. I have yet to can anything although I had hundreds of cucumbers last year and beans and tomatoes, I really need to egt on the ball with canning. I have a lot to learn but i hope that i can be half as good as she was.
This world moves too fast now. oh, we hear that and say that but noone seems to care becasue they are running to keep up. Why? Seriously, why?
My kids and husband need me. The world could care less beyond a superficial level what I am made of. But my family truly needs who I am.
my Memaw was not just a country bell, but a wise woman who invested her frinances with a keen eye. Underneath her plain skirt and blouse and neat hair, she knew about money just as much as she knew about flowers and vegetables.
I wonder if I could be that smart. It doesn't take a genious to attend school and find a socially acceptable place to stand. I think that it takes a genious to save money and make money when you have so little to work with.
Anyway, food for thought for me at least. So many scoff at homemakers, admittedly, I do some times though I am one. Let's see Barbara Walters do a quarter of what I do though. Really, she'd run off like hell was at her ass. Just the other night, my toddler daughter yelled "poop!" and threw a poop out of her bath. She was also swimming in the rest. i didn't vomitt, I just grabbed her up and washed her off and scooped out the poop and flushed it. my husband was ill and nautious.
I can do that and cook dinner, wash dishes and a load of whites, help with homework and organize my bills and balance the checkbook while watching the baby. then, when school starts again, add my hoemwork and the two night classes. I also keep a very tidy house and my husband eats home made meals every night and a home made lunch at work. Ok, I'm no martha stewart but I'm not all that bad. We eat a lot of chicken and steak, I do need to elarn more casserole dishes for sure. But, I try ya know?
I forget how worth while I am in this house. I feel worthless and invisible at times. But, if I think about my every day routine, I realize that I'm not worthless, maybe a little invisisble, but my actions are plain to see.
I don't run around on my husband and I don't smoke even when I want to. ( I use to smoke before I was prego again, i've quit in all three of my pregnancies, but have started back up because I actually love to smoke)I'm at home all the time and my kids are never unattended. They even have clean clothes and get baths every night!
Whoowhee! I am important. I am a piece of the puzzle. No one sees me but i make my contribution.
However, i do need to go back to church. I stopped after levi died. I still go on occassion, but it's not the same.
I miss it but I don't. What I can't stand is the looks and the pats on the back. Sometimes I wish that we could join another fellowship but we belong where we're at.
When we go, everyone says that they're glad that "we're back". I just smile but i want to scream at the lot of them. Of course I left earth. my son died and i couldn't save him. I know that he's in heaven but he's not with me and that's what took me away.
I've never stopped believing in God, I just have been angry with Him. We're working it out though, i know that His ways are above mine but that doesn't heal my heart. It just takes time.
My Memaw loved the Lord and made it through things that i probably couldn't. Life was hard for her before the world became modern. I take that as an example of her faith and her and so many others have inspired me to continue on this journey that God has layed at my feet. Some times, I just wish he's give ma map though so I wouldn't feel so lost. We must all feel that way.
I am leaving my bubble of self pitty and i think that I'm learning to walk with some amount of grace again. It's just step by step. I'm not ready to run or leap, but at least I'm moving, huh?