My grandma died on the 27th of feb, last weekend was fast and furious. We returned home from Texas on Saturday, the 3rd of March just in time to prepare for Levi's first death anniversary.
We let go of six ballons for Levi at the cemetary, we watched them until they seemed to disapeer.
Part of me sobbed but the other part of me just was, I can't really explain it. I just know that this will never feel right or natural. It can't.
So, the last few days, my emotions finally have hit. I miss him so much. I finally took his clothes out of his side of the dresser today. i hated it. But, it was time. I swear that i could have crawled into that plastic tub with his tuff and been content to stay there if only for a while, but maybe forver.
One of his night outfits still had his slobber on it. I was glad to see it, weird or not. It helped me to feel him again, in a way.
I hate all of this. That will never change. I can't imagine any one saying that they like it any way.
I'm learning that my grief and mourning are mine and that I don't have to make sence to anyone, including myself. I can cry without cause but still have reason. It doesn't matter, I can do it and feel it without it making sence.
That's a relief for me. I always try to understand everything.
He was mine and there were two babies in the room next to ours, but now he's in heaven and there is only one baby in the room next to ours. But, I will never forget or try to forget that I once had two that were born together and that grew together. Forgetting that would be impossible.
i am going to have another baby, but he will be another gift, not capable of filling this hole in my heart that will always be empty. that spot belongs to Levi and always will.
I still long to fulfill the dreams that I had for my levi, i guess that's only natural. I still imagine his smile and his beautiful face and i can almost touch him in my mind. I will never stop trying to touch him.
We let go of six ballons for Levi at the cemetary, we watched them until they seemed to disapeer.
Part of me sobbed but the other part of me just was, I can't really explain it. I just know that this will never feel right or natural. It can't.
So, the last few days, my emotions finally have hit. I miss him so much. I finally took his clothes out of his side of the dresser today. i hated it. But, it was time. I swear that i could have crawled into that plastic tub with his tuff and been content to stay there if only for a while, but maybe forver.
One of his night outfits still had his slobber on it. I was glad to see it, weird or not. It helped me to feel him again, in a way.
I hate all of this. That will never change. I can't imagine any one saying that they like it any way.
I'm learning that my grief and mourning are mine and that I don't have to make sence to anyone, including myself. I can cry without cause but still have reason. It doesn't matter, I can do it and feel it without it making sence.
That's a relief for me. I always try to understand everything.
He was mine and there were two babies in the room next to ours, but now he's in heaven and there is only one baby in the room next to ours. But, I will never forget or try to forget that I once had two that were born together and that grew together. Forgetting that would be impossible.
i am going to have another baby, but he will be another gift, not capable of filling this hole in my heart that will always be empty. that spot belongs to Levi and always will.
I still long to fulfill the dreams that I had for my levi, i guess that's only natural. I still imagine his smile and his beautiful face and i can almost touch him in my mind. I will never stop trying to touch him.
Replies
You should never try to stop remembering him or thinking of him or wanting to touch him. Those are all human emotions and you would be only fooling yourself if you tried to push thoughts of him away. You are right, your new baby will never replace Levi. He is a completely different person and it would be an injustice to both of you to try to make him into someone he isn\'t. That doesn\'t mean that this new child won\'t be a very special little person in his own way who can find his own place in your heart and let you give out more love in a different but still special way. You are not being disloyal to Levi and his memory when you move some of his things. They are just things but the love you have and the memories are real and can never be taken from you. They can only become sweeter. Just keep feeling how it is right for you to feel and don\'t let anyone tell you what is normal or not. What is normal is what is normal for you. We are all different and God made us that way. Remember that children are God\'s favorites and when you talk to God, Levi is right there next to Him. Please grieve in your own way. God bless you and your family, JannaA
wow! you said so much, so very well. although we never got to bring gavin home, i still haven\'t packed any of his stuff up. all of his clothes are still in his crib- which i was in the process of washing them all when we found out we lost him. i don\'t know when i will be ready to do this. i just kind of feel if i do it that its like trying to act like nothing happened. you are very right- our feelings are normal and you have to learn your new identity when you experience the loss of a child. we will always have a special place in our hearts for them- that will never be filled. know that i am thinking of you and you are not alone. much love, hugs and prayers.
Lindsay, i love you so much. I admire your strength so much. As Levi\'s aunt it hurts it hurts so bad. i can\'t imagine being his mommy and having him be a part of me... you handle everything with grace and that amazes me more and more each day. We all love him and miss him so much. The locket you have me for Christmas, yes i still have it, I put a picture of Levi in it. I often open it and look at it. It feels good knowing I have a piece of him with me all the time. I love you and I know this is hard...even a year later but, I will always be here for you no matter what.