I'm always ok. I just have to remind myself of that. Maybe one day, i'll have the courage to be good, then great. This Sunday is the anniverasary of the day that I'll forver dispise. I'm aching just at the thought of facing the thoughts that will circle my mind. I would be foolish to avoid those thoughts and feelings as they need to run their course. But, I am none the less terrified.
It was a day that every parent begs God to keep from ever occurring. I met that day and that moment that I thought for sure would kill me. Ok, part of me did die. I lost my mind and i still am only getting bits of it back as I trudge this road. Some times, I can genuinely smile now. Not often. But, any smile I wore in the begining felt like a crack on my face.
Things do get manageable, but I can never be the same. I honestly don't want to be.
I miss his gaze and his sensitive skin. He smelt like food constantly, my husband and I use to say that that room smelt like beefaroni, we'd laugh so hard that we'd cry when we said that.
I had plans for Lacey and Levi's second halloween. I have always loved Dr Seuss books and have never forgotten Thing 1 and Thing 2 from The Cat in The Hat. That is who they were going to be last halloween.
But, Levi went to heaven and Lacey stayed, thank God, and was a buuny. She wouldn't wear her ears and she hated being held all night. She wanted to run free as we circled the mall and gathered candy.
i was sad and disspointed. I had plans before, ya know? I miss him so much.
He was my teasure. He is my tearsure. God says, in His word, that we should store up our treasures in heaven. i always thought, what does treasure matter up there? Money and gold and all our materialistic garbage is worthless in heaven.
But, then Levi died and i knew emmediatly what my teasure was. I actually stated that in his life sketch at his funeral. Levi is my treasure. And one day, it won't be a sad thing to say that he waits for me there because I will be there when my time comes. I will be so happy and so fulfilled to have him in my arms again.
Why he left so soon, I believe that I'll know when I'm supposed to. But, I don't think that I'll ever be content about his death until I embrace him again.
March 4th will come and go and return each year. i will always loathe the day.
But, i AM ok right now.
i am gald for the support that you all of so freely given. we all have our mountains. I hope so much that everyone finds their peace too.
It was a day that every parent begs God to keep from ever occurring. I met that day and that moment that I thought for sure would kill me. Ok, part of me did die. I lost my mind and i still am only getting bits of it back as I trudge this road. Some times, I can genuinely smile now. Not often. But, any smile I wore in the begining felt like a crack on my face.
Things do get manageable, but I can never be the same. I honestly don't want to be.
I miss his gaze and his sensitive skin. He smelt like food constantly, my husband and I use to say that that room smelt like beefaroni, we'd laugh so hard that we'd cry when we said that.
I had plans for Lacey and Levi's second halloween. I have always loved Dr Seuss books and have never forgotten Thing 1 and Thing 2 from The Cat in The Hat. That is who they were going to be last halloween.
But, Levi went to heaven and Lacey stayed, thank God, and was a buuny. She wouldn't wear her ears and she hated being held all night. She wanted to run free as we circled the mall and gathered candy.
i was sad and disspointed. I had plans before, ya know? I miss him so much.
He was my teasure. He is my tearsure. God says, in His word, that we should store up our treasures in heaven. i always thought, what does treasure matter up there? Money and gold and all our materialistic garbage is worthless in heaven.
But, then Levi died and i knew emmediatly what my teasure was. I actually stated that in his life sketch at his funeral. Levi is my treasure. And one day, it won't be a sad thing to say that he waits for me there because I will be there when my time comes. I will be so happy and so fulfilled to have him in my arms again.
Why he left so soon, I believe that I'll know when I'm supposed to. But, I don't think that I'll ever be content about his death until I embrace him again.
March 4th will come and go and return each year. i will always loathe the day.
But, i AM ok right now.
i am gald for the support that you all of so freely given. we all have our mountains. I hope so much that everyone finds their peace too.
Replies
Your journal entries are more focused and you sound like you are healing more, while starting to accept a loss. You are making progress, sweetie-pie! :-) As always, my heart and soul are with you. You need someone...I\'m always here, waiting for your message. Smile and the world will smile with you. I\'ll smile for you, so you can feel the smiles once again in your life. Again, I\'m always here for you! Love ya! Paula xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am always ok too Lindsey. When people ask me how I\'m doing I never say great, or even good, just ok. I\'m still at the point that being good seems like a betrayal to my daughter. I love how you say that Levi is your treasure in heaven. It will be a glorious day when we are reunited with our little ones. We have a reason to now to live our best and to strive to do Gods work so we can be with them again one sweet day, at least that is how I feel. You are always in my prayers, I dont get online as much as I used to, but I often think of you too. How is the pregnancy going? Smoothly I hope. Take care and talk to you later! (((HUGS to YOU))) !!
Levi is in Heaven watching over you.
I know Sunday will be hard. But I also know that Levi will be watching you from heaven. He will always be a treasure to you. I know you are making your way on the journey, but know there will come a time when you will be able to smile again and not feel like you are betraying Levi\'s memory. Many hugs to you! :0
Hi, Sweetie,
I\'m with you and I hope God can give you what you need to get through that day. Today would have been my Dad\'s 72nd birthday. I was out at the cemetery visiting him and I thought about your little Levi. I asked Dad to look out for him for you. Levi is always watching you and your family from Heaven, and knows how much you miss him and love him. That\'s the nice thing about Heaven, When someone you love goes home, they take your love with them, and it never leaves them. Lots of love to you and your family.
I know that when you talk to God you talk to Levi because he\'s sitting right on his lap. Blessings for your coming baby and your other children. Please keep writing. We want to know how you are doing
Hi, your journal is so sweet, the love you have for Levi is with him always, he knows it as does God who created you and Levi, I will be with you in spirit on Sunday, know that I will be praying for you and your family and you are never alone. May you find the strength that I know you have to get through Sunday and to one day be able to feel Great. May God bless you and your family and your new baby. Your friend Kate
Sunday will be 4 months since my Tim left. Even though he was my husband and not my child I know the pain. Knowing that he is in heaven and that he feels my love everyday makes it a little eaiser. I to hate the 4th, but the 4th of November is my worse day.
sweetie, i want you to know that i have these obstacles and the very high mountains to climb too. so glad that you have the perspective that you show in your journals- that is very inspiring. just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. many hugs, love and prayers. xoxo