Levi will be dead a year on the 4th. Wow, what a year it's been! I never knew that losing someone was so hard. I watched my friends mourn over their s or family.I only saw the moment that they were in. I couldn't see deeper because I didn't know how.
Friends, loss is more than just a moment, isn't it? I looked through pictures of the kids today and last night with such a yearning for my Levi. This time last year, he was alive and I had two carseats in the back of my car. I use to look at him and his sister and brother through the rear view mirror.I'd smile because I was so blessed.
My friends here expect me to be further along. That makes me angry. I don't cry to them anymore, I don't cry to anyone unless it spills by accident. I'm still not there, meening, letting go. I'm not too worried about if my timing is off or on. It's my timing.
I believe in Heaven and I know God is in control. But, I miss my baby still.
maybe the child inside of me is a gift to help me believe in myself as a mother again. I've become a pathedic mop most of the time. I just wonder about my abilities now.
I am full of self pitty today, can you tell?!I know that I need to push through before I stay here.
I think that writing in this journal helps me to see what I need to improve. I am grateful for my family and this new baby. I have so much to look forward to. We all do, no matter what our circumstances are. We just have to look in front of us and have hope. I still have a lot of hope.
God uses our hurts to heal others. I'm glad that pain is used in that way, it gives reason to things.
Friends, loss is more than just a moment, isn't it? I looked through pictures of the kids today and last night with such a yearning for my Levi. This time last year, he was alive and I had two carseats in the back of my car. I use to look at him and his sister and brother through the rear view mirror.I'd smile because I was so blessed.
My friends here expect me to be further along. That makes me angry. I don't cry to them anymore, I don't cry to anyone unless it spills by accident. I'm still not there, meening, letting go. I'm not too worried about if my timing is off or on. It's my timing.
I believe in Heaven and I know God is in control. But, I miss my baby still.
maybe the child inside of me is a gift to help me believe in myself as a mother again. I've become a pathedic mop most of the time. I just wonder about my abilities now.
I am full of self pitty today, can you tell?!I know that I need to push through before I stay here.
I think that writing in this journal helps me to see what I need to improve. I am grateful for my family and this new baby. I have so much to look forward to. We all do, no matter what our circumstances are. We just have to look in front of us and have hope. I still have a lot of hope.
God uses our hurts to heal others. I'm glad that pain is used in that way, it gives reason to things.
Replies
Do you know how strong and inspiring you are? I humbly read your journal and feel so very selfish for my own self pity when you are advancing yourself so bravely through something I can\'t even imagine. My mother lost one twin after 8 months. I was only 2. We never spoke of it until almost half a century later. Listening to you, I want to go hug my 80 year old mother. How hard it must have been to hold it all in. You are so strong to talk about and relive moments that are I suppose happy and sad at the same time. I don\'t even feel that I have a right to even comment on your pain, not having any idea what it\'s like. Please keep talking and we\'ll keep praying. Thank you for your inspiration. JannaA