I have recived far too much love and support, if that is EVEN possible! Thank you guys so much! The journal has helped me to just let go of some of the hurt and fear I face but hide. I have needed friends that understand our loss and the struggles that I face as a woman and a mother and a wife. I will never stop missing Levi or wishing that he was here, I know that anyone who has lost someone that they were deeply conected to can empathise. It's a sad and lonely road that leads to healing. God IS with me and us but death does leave a trail of loneliness for survivors, at least for me. If I could ever find the words to say how much I loved and still love Levi, i might find rest. I love all of my children for the same reasons and also for different reasons. each of them have their spot reserved for only them within me and their spots are conected to my very soul. Levi's life honestly changed me. I found strength in myself that I never knew God put in me. I also discovered a faith and hope in God that I lacked before. I knew that levi was a special gift from God. I just really wanted to keep him. I am his mother and I needed him, yes, I needed him. I realized that when he was sick and when he had surgery. my urges were to protect him but also to hold on to him as tight as i could because he was a necessity for my heart to beat and my lungs to breathe. That might sound strange or too much but none the less, for me, my Levi gave me more life with each smile he gave us and each giggle that he shyly shared. Oh, he was so beautiful. Even with his funny, big head and zipper scar from ear to ear. He had dimples and crystal blue eyes, the bluest I have ever seen. He gave me so much and I can never be the same. I will never be glad that he left. I will never forget his laughter or his cry because I am his mother and not even death can rob that from me or any of us. I will see him again and I will hear his laughter again. And when that happens, I will be at peace because he will not be missing any more. But, i AM learning to be thankful again. Yes, world, I know that i will heal. But, I promise to never forget.Things could always be worse.I am not blind to my blessings. But, i am done with losing in this magnitude. If i have a say at all, I just want to say that I'm done. I only want the normal problems. And I do not think that it's wrong to admit that I am too human and weak for any more. Let me just deal with the spilled milk and the car breaking down. I can even handle a leak in the roof that I can't afford to fix or a child up all night from a cold. but, I just ask God to grant protection from my children dieing or suffering. I even ask protection from my ex husband and his doings. Normal problems are all that i want. I'm sure that I am not alone with such a desire.