Today is a hard day. I don't feel much self pitty but I am worn down and scared. There's so much going on and i'm too tired to write about it all. Awww... I miss being a goofy kid with all of those great ideas about what life could be. I had a lot of ideas. But, as a grown up, living in reality, i see that ideas only get one so far and the hope inside of my very soul can be sucked away and stomped on. Levi died and a part of me died. The Lord gave me a new baby, who is still in my womb, to keep me from losing all control. I know that is at least part of why I'm pregnant again so soon.Noone can really stay sane by themselves when they breathe useless air into their dead babies mouth. That alone can buckle the strongest man for the rest of his life. But, reality is that we are not promised our humanity forever. Humanity is fragile and honestly momentary compared to the grand scheme of things... what I don't get is how others intentionally hurt others. Like the bad stuff that most of us only see on the news. That stuff is real. Believe me, I know. My ex husband is a mianiac and it has taken me so long to move beyond his sickness and munipulation. now, I'm lighting the fire agian becasue I am sueing him to termianate his parental rights to my oldest child. My ex husband is one of those scary people most of us only see on tv. I'm so scared and I'm so tired from all of the hurt.
I left him and ran like hell. My little boy was worth it. I had to keep him safe. Six years later, I met my current husband. I thought he'd never want me. Not because I'm ugly or stupid or anything like that, but because my ex husband is a dangerous maniac. But, my normal guy who'd never hurt a fly wanted us. He's not wimpy, he's just not crazy. No, my hubby is not perfect, but he's more than I thought I'd ever achieve. Then, we have twins, one of which struggles at birth. We held eachother and screamed at eachother through all of Levi's struggles. Then, when we're not prepared, we lose our baby, my hubby's first biological son. we not only lost Levi but most of our relationship too. So, recently, we've been building things back up between us and my hubby's standing by my side. But, gosh, I just wish that there wasn't so much tragedy and struggle still. i only want my kids to be healthy and safe, my husband to be happy and healthy too and our little house with the things that we need. I am not asking for more. But, what I am asking for does NOT include my ex. No more babies dieing and no more ex husband. I'm too dang worn out.
I will do what I have to and be strong on the outside when I am really jello inside as we climb this mountain from my past. But i hope, world, I just hope that God doesn't hand me any more! I think that I'll go mad! I'm only human. I'm not tough or smart enough to go on like this.
I left him and ran like hell. My little boy was worth it. I had to keep him safe. Six years later, I met my current husband. I thought he'd never want me. Not because I'm ugly or stupid or anything like that, but because my ex husband is a dangerous maniac. But, my normal guy who'd never hurt a fly wanted us. He's not wimpy, he's just not crazy. No, my hubby is not perfect, but he's more than I thought I'd ever achieve. Then, we have twins, one of which struggles at birth. We held eachother and screamed at eachother through all of Levi's struggles. Then, when we're not prepared, we lose our baby, my hubby's first biological son. we not only lost Levi but most of our relationship too. So, recently, we've been building things back up between us and my hubby's standing by my side. But, gosh, I just wish that there wasn't so much tragedy and struggle still. i only want my kids to be healthy and safe, my husband to be happy and healthy too and our little house with the things that we need. I am not asking for more. But, what I am asking for does NOT include my ex. No more babies dieing and no more ex husband. I'm too dang worn out.
I will do what I have to and be strong on the outside when I am really jello inside as we climb this mountain from my past. But i hope, world, I just hope that God doesn't hand me any more! I think that I'll go mad! I'm only human. I'm not tough or smart enough to go on like this.
Replies
I came across your page completely by accident and have read some of your story and I have to say you are an incredibly strong woman with the power of intelligent perspective and that is so wonderful for your family and your future. I feel so guilty at times being sad an my loss which is \'only\' the loss of a dream - of wanting life to go a certain way because it\'s all I knew. Understanding there are all kinds of struggles and life doesn\'t always go the way we want or had planned is part of my realization that needs to sink in.
I\'m sorry for the terrible loss you experienced and am happy you have a great H, beautiful kids and with another on the way! I wish you only the very best-
It won\'t last forever, dealing with your ex. It will just feel like forever. I too, was married to a crazy man the first time. He would beat me and threaten to kill me, and when I finally got the nerve to leave him with our daughter, he threatened to kill me and to kill himself and our daughter. Thank God, he did neither. Until my daughter grew up tho, he was a pain...he turned our world upside down. When my daughter, who is now 30, turned 18..I no longer really had to deal with him anymore.
I understand about being strong on the outside and being jello on the inside. I beat a lot of us here do. You are a strong woman...and you will be ok, and it sounds like you and your husband will pull through all of this and be stronger in your relationship. You won\'t go mad...maybe small moments in time of madness, but you are stronger than you think. Be good to yourself. Write anytime you need too, I will listen and write back...you are not alone...omaanna57@aol.com, take care,anna
Once again, my heart just bleeds for you. Never lose site of your dreams....dreams are not irrational. One has to dream, as that\'s how we accomplish our goals in life. Never say NEVER to any dream. Being adult doesn\'t mean that life\'s joys go away. You have a great mind and you can achieve anything you set your mind to. I\'m curious about your dreams.....tellme about them...I\'d love to listen. With a little patience and the love of a child like a mother bear w/her cub, you can fight your ex. If he\'s unstable, couldn\'t a test of sorts be requested on him through social services?? Not sure how your state works, but my nephew has a scarey exwife and she can only have supervised visits and NO overnight visits, as a result of social services intervention and mental stablitly tests. Try to have positive thoughts. Your little boy is probably still around you in spirit. Maybe this life wasn\'t meant for him. Maybe God saw something and didn\'t want him to suffer and this was the easies way he could do it. I\'m not sure and don\'t wanna say anything to upset you, but just trying to give you other avenues of looking at things. Always believe you are brave and full of courage. If you believe you are weak, you will be weak. You can accomplish anything you need to. The pain of a loss will never probably go away, but maybe change the way you can look at it. I always try to look at my blessings. You\'ve been blessed w/a beautiful husband and a new baby, so God isn\'t too cruel on you. Things will get better in time w/your hubbby....they say a death of a child is the hardest thing for a couple to endure. Give yourself time to heal and recognize how you heal, according to how he heals. You\'ve done the best job you can. Keep your chin up and strength will pervail. I\'ve nver been through your circumstances, but I sure hope I can help you along. Bless your sweet soul and the soul of your new child. Here\'s to a day filled with happy surprises and the love of your goals/dreams!
Hang in there. I know Levi is watching down over you and your baby. I know you are a stong person. First, you left an abuser, something that takes much strength and courage. Second, you allowed yourself to find love again. Once hurt, it\'s hard to allow someone else in and you did! Third, you had Lacey and Levi. You stood by during all his stuggles trying to help him best you could. Fourth, you said goodbye. I think it is close to one of the hardest things to do. Say goodbye to someone so small. Hang in there, you are doing so many good things. Many hugs to you!
God is not a cruel God. The Bible says the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I have came so you may have life more abundantly. I can not ever imagine what it would be like to loose a child, and I pray to God I never know that pain, but please hang on to the fact that God has not forsaken you. He loves you and he will wipe your tears.