I think that the pregnancy hormones often make me more sensitive, either that or I'm turning into a nasty witch. Seriously, I am at my end by noon nearly every day. I ask myself why and I have no answer. I used to be so social but we all know that once we're parent that quickly changes. Then, with our loss of our sweet baby, I find so much less in common with even my closest friends. I know that i can't balme them for not undertanding, i wouldn't wish on them to understand. But, it just gets so lonely and I get so overwhelmed. i'm 28 weeks pregnant and I'm back to being tired and sluggish. I had a good month or two, then, boom, it hurts to stand. I should take a pic and post it. I'm so fat. Really, I failed my glucose test and I have to get retested this week. i'm not panicked, but I told the nurse that I failed because I'm so fat. I've ate and ate with no resistance. I'm the brownie queen, the cake queen and i like cereal too. It's my fault. i've finally become a comfort eater. I guess that I can't be too hard on myself, this last 11 months has been so dang hard. My hubby can't handle my talking about Levi like I do, I can really fall apart and get so angry when I talk about that day. I'm not angry with my husband, he wasn't here, but, the anger just spills on his lap when I let myself feel things again. Well, I'm so tired so I'll write when I can. I get to see my little monkey tomorow in an ultrasound. I think that they're going to say that he's rather big and that he should lay off the cake!
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oh.. honey. I cry every time i read about you. i am so paranoid that some thing like that will happen to me. I pray that it dosent andi still at 17 mo of age now check on my girls through out the night.they are at a high risk because they were born so early and so very small. the one thing i cant get out of my mind is the first time i saw justyce naked. she was all bone then they told me they wanted me to see her first because kaydence was worse. kaydence droped to two pounds. and they tought she might not make it. i say this to you because... well i dont know why. i have never felt the loss that you have. but i came so close. i will send you a copy of my home journal entry.
It was 7:35am on September 9, 2005 when my water broke and I went into labor at being only 34 weeks pregnant with my twins. After countless attempts to keep my body from going in to labor it was fed up, and my body decided that it was too tired to carry the babies any longer. My daughters were born so early and so small I thought for sure I would not be allowed to take them home for months. After the second day in the hospital my girls started having complications. The worst thing some one can tell a mother is to go spend what time they have with them. I died in side with the thought of my girls never coming home with me. I sat and prayed while crying and ocean of tears. Every time a nurse would come in accompanied by a doctor I held my breath dreading the news that I was so sure would defeat my already tormented heart. Kaydence had developed A-plastie Anemia. Basically bone marrow cancer. Her twin my baby Justyce was beginning to show symptoms. This is when the body basically gives up and the bone marrow stops making blood. My daughters were dying in front of me and there was nothing I could do. If the treatment they had started did not work then my girls would be flown to Denver and at a few days old be in a controlled environment for up to two years after they had gone through a painful bone marrow transplant.This means I would not hold or touch my daughters for the fear of killing them with a simple cold. at least not for two years and that was if they were to survive. Sitting in the N.I.C.U. staring down at the two most wonderful gifts that GOD could give a person I looked up and confronted him. I told him that if he gave me these precious gifts to only take them away then he and I knew that I would die of a broken heart. I asked him to let me have the chance to love them like he has always loved me. I got my answer two weeks after I asked my father in heaven for a favor. The two specialists and the N.I.C.U. nurses came in to my room with tears in their eyes. What was left of my hart began to shatter. I started to cry and scream and that is when Dr. Linda wrapped her arms around me and said They are going home with you! They are miracle babies. The nurses were so sad to see them go. They had fallen in love with them and could not help but to cry knowing that they would not see them and hold them every day.
Hang in there and don\'t beat yourself up too much. First you are pregnant, second you have a toddler at home (and of course, your oldest) and you are a grieving mother. I think your reactions are very understandable. Good luck with the glucose test. I don\'t know if it will help but try not to eat anything before you take the 3 hr. Then nothing will interfere with the results.
Your entries reminded me of when my son was born 2 months early. He survived by the grace of God, but I will never forget the little angels who didn\'t while he was in the NICU. For some reason I never understood, many of their parents were never around. Most of them came from poverty, a few were born addicted like their mothers. I\'d visit every incubator and talk to them because it was all I was allowed to do. My heart broke each time a bed was empty or missing because I knew what had happened. My point is that like me you never left your son\'s side. Unlike those little angels, he knew he was loved. You don\'t have an empty space inside; he\'s still there in your heart just as each of your other children have their space. And the new one will make his own too because a mother\'s heart can hold them all. I hold the lonely angels in mine right beside the spot my son holds. You\'re a good mother. Feel good in knowing that because there are so many children who will never know the kind of love you give to yours.
Hey mommy, You know you can take an anti-depressant while you are pregnant. You may want to discuss this with the DOC.... and you mood swings ARE from being pregnant and you were already dealing with alot before the pregnancy...Please talk to your DOC about this, don\'t want you to go deeper in depression after the baby comes, and that would be very easy to do in your situation.... much love and hugs
I was moved by your journal entry. My heart was bleeding for you. I can\'t imagine what you had to endure w/finding your son and not being able to help him. How traumatizing. I\'m sure it\'s hard for you husband, as maybe he heals a different way andisn\'t a talker. I also had a tradgedy of sorts where my old friends just couldn\'t help or understand waht I had going on and it feels empty and alone. It\'s like you wanna just shut yourself off. You can always talk to me...I\'d love to listen and help w/kind words and encouragement...letting you know I understood your emotion at the time, as that\'s what it\'s alllll about....compassion and understanding. I\'m happy your belly has a new baby in it. I don\'t think you should ever have to stop talking about Levi or forget about him.....I\'m sure he\'s up in heaven winking at you w/a stuffed teddybear beside him. You seem like such a well-grounded /down to earth person. I hope all goes your way. Best wishes to LOTS of miracles today and always. Again, I\'m here for you....you are a very sweet soul.