When i became a mother to my first son, I was so young but all that I ever wanted was to keep him safe. I had nightmares of bad things happening to him and I cried at night as he slept wondering how I'd ever keep him safe from this world. I was young and alone and terrified. Then, I had the babies, nearly a month and a half after I got married to my second husband. My oldest son was just 7 when the twins came, his bday only five days before the twins. Lacey was so healthy, pretty and delicate. She was sick with jaundice but was otherwise the perfect idea of a newborn. Levi was in for a fight from the very begining. He scared me because I couldn't save him myself. I grew close to him faster than I might have if he wasn't so fragile and sick. I hurt for him and longed for him unlike I did for my other children. i felt so guilty for that. But, i wasn't going to have him die without me doing and being all that i could for him. He made it through all of it, the pnemonia and the surgery at 3 1/2 months old. He had been poked and prodded and miserable for his whole tiny existence but he made it. He was so healthy afterward. i finally stopped fighting for him. I finally started seeing my other children and their needs. tHen, at 8 1/2 months old, my Levi died without a known cause. It was like a cruel, nasty game and we had lost. I was unprepared. I had finally let my gaurd down from over him. Then, he was just gone. There was nothing that I could do or say or pray that would bring him back. And, after everyone disapeared and they had all moved on, i was left alone to battle my memory of finding him dead and failing him. The world kept turning, my husband went to work, my oldest to school and my little baby girl kept growing. i searched for Levi with my eyes for months. His absence was not natural and I was filled with fear and anxiety because I knew that I'd never find him. My stomach ached and my eyes burned from morning to night. I litterally had and still have this empty space inside of me that nothing could fill. I'm better now, just barely. I've stopped scanning the house and searching for his smell. But, I still secretly wait for his face to show sometimes. I kiss his pictures every night and whisper taht I love him. It's all i can do now. I want to help others but I know that there are no answers that will ever satisfy our emptiness. But, I must have a purpose because I am still here. We all must have a purpose. we all die, young or old. Death will not avoid any of us. Neither does death promise us to wait until we are ready to let go.But,the pain and dissapointment and trauma that we know does not seem fair. I hope that we'll all know more before we die so that we can comfort the others that will follow us. But, I know that when I see my boy again and hold all of my children without death hiding behind the shadows, that I will be content and have peace and know the answers that my heart searches for.