The past just hurts. I don't feel self pitty, not really. I'm just really tired. For so long, i've tried to be superhuman. I wouldn't accept my weaknesses, I was determined to be strong. I wanted to have all the answers, I wanted to always have a plan to fix life's heartaches and disapointments. I thought that I was so smart. Well, world, that's bull. No one is that way. Not the president, opra, Dr phil or anyone here with their feet on the ground. We're all vulnerable. No one is alawys happy or always strong or always smart. But, I am a mother. I'm supposed to have the bandaid for everything.
Lord, i just miss his smile. I miss my dreams that I had for him. i miss feeling like we conquered the odds. Who would have ever guessed that Levi would die from SIDS? He had a birth defect, surgery corrected his skull. He had pnemonia, the little bugar fought it off and came home with us. i slept at the hospitals with him. I held him when he couldn't cry but needed to. I kissed him when he struggled just to get air in his lungs. I couldn't walk without pain after my csection but i carried his twin sister in to see him in the NICU everyday, at least twice a day. I came down with post eclampsia, had seizures five days after they were born, two days after I was home, but i never stopped going in to the NICU just to touch him and tell him my heart. I was so sick and drained but I never gave up. Then, he's well, they say, and he really was. For five months he was a normal baby boy. So perfect. Then, he died. So, I screamed at God to tell me why. He never has told me. So, I'm on the path of acceptance. I know that God has His reasons,I'm realizing that God doesn't hate me. I don't deserve a medal for being his mom, for being so stubborn or for never letting go. Actually, levi dieing has little to do with me at all. But, i still want to scream that all that I ever wanted was to watch him grow up. It just hurts and again I am drained but I can't fight his death. I can't go and touch him and whisper to him about all of my love for him and my dreams for him. Neither can my husband. Neither can my oldest son. And, levi's twin will never know him. Not until we are all in Heavan.
I have so many questions that can't be answered. So many of us do. Why am I such a fighter when the battle is over?
Lord, i just miss his smile. I miss my dreams that I had for him. i miss feeling like we conquered the odds. Who would have ever guessed that Levi would die from SIDS? He had a birth defect, surgery corrected his skull. He had pnemonia, the little bugar fought it off and came home with us. i slept at the hospitals with him. I held him when he couldn't cry but needed to. I kissed him when he struggled just to get air in his lungs. I couldn't walk without pain after my csection but i carried his twin sister in to see him in the NICU everyday, at least twice a day. I came down with post eclampsia, had seizures five days after they were born, two days after I was home, but i never stopped going in to the NICU just to touch him and tell him my heart. I was so sick and drained but I never gave up. Then, he's well, they say, and he really was. For five months he was a normal baby boy. So perfect. Then, he died. So, I screamed at God to tell me why. He never has told me. So, I'm on the path of acceptance. I know that God has His reasons,I'm realizing that God doesn't hate me. I don't deserve a medal for being his mom, for being so stubborn or for never letting go. Actually, levi dieing has little to do with me at all. But, i still want to scream that all that I ever wanted was to watch him grow up. It just hurts and again I am drained but I can't fight his death. I can't go and touch him and whisper to him about all of my love for him and my dreams for him. Neither can my husband. Neither can my oldest son. And, levi's twin will never know him. Not until we are all in Heavan.
I have so many questions that can't be answered. So many of us do. Why am I such a fighter when the battle is over?
Replies
You\'re a fighter because you are a mother. I think anyone that loves their children would move heaven and earth for them. If you didn\'t feel that way, I would wonder how much you actually loved Levi. I don\'t wonder at all with you. Sometimes God does things we don\'t understand. He has a greater purpose for all of us. We may not know what it is, but we must trust in him. Even if we are mad at him for taking our children away from us. We will find acceptance of his plan and forgive him. I know Lacey will never forget her brother. They have a bond that no distance will ever break.