I visited Levi today. the weather has been warmer,meening, 40 degrees or so. But, for us, that's warm so it's been nice. We're aproaching the aniversary of Levi's death in March. I'm nervous about facing that date. March 4th seems like it froze in time last year. I hate that day. I hate that the day will always come back. No, Levi won't die again, but I'll feel it more, meening, the terror of that moment I found him. I can still remember very detail, his color, his coldness, his limpness and how he never breathed again. i hate that day. I failed that day more so than I have ever failed.
I do have flashbacks, every other day or so. That's just life though. more than anything, I ache just to rewind even minutes before it happened. I know that's wrong. Everything happens for a reason. but, I am his mother and I am empty without him still.
He will always have a spot inside of me that can never be filled.
The warm weather has been nice. I hope that it lasts. Unlikely, but I hope spring is creeping up.
My unborn little guy will be here soon, end of april i'm thinking. Most people think and say (strangers in the grocery store, no joke) that i look due now. I feel due. some even ask if I'm having twins. I smile and say no, I already did that.
anyway, I'm actually ok. I have made some friends in here and finally have people who get most of this we all go through.
I do have flashbacks, every other day or so. That's just life though. more than anything, I ache just to rewind even minutes before it happened. I know that's wrong. Everything happens for a reason. but, I am his mother and I am empty without him still.
He will always have a spot inside of me that can never be filled.
The warm weather has been nice. I hope that it lasts. Unlikely, but I hope spring is creeping up.
My unborn little guy will be here soon, end of april i'm thinking. Most people think and say (strangers in the grocery store, no joke) that i look due now. I feel due. some even ask if I'm having twins. I smile and say no, I already did that.
anyway, I'm actually ok. I have made some friends in here and finally have people who get most of this we all go through.
Replies
I\'m sending lots and lots of (((HUGS))) your way. You will never forget your baby boy and I think a part of your heart will always ache for him and feel that pain, but you know you will always love him with all of your heart. You didn\'t fail your baby, you showed him LOVE, and that is wonderful. Please be kind to yourself, I think that you a good mother and your children are blessed to call you that. ~Linsey
I\'ve just read all your journal entries, and I am in tears. I have been on this site for a long time, but each time I come across something like this, I am in awe of the strength I see. I cannot imagine what losing a child would be like, I can\'t even let the thought pass through my head all the way-it\'s like it gets stopped and kicked out automatically. I have no words to say that could possibly comfort you, but I am here if you need anything. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes beautifully, and that your \"jumbo shrimp\" (love that) understands one day what a lucky boy he is to have you.
You did not fail!!! Satan took your baby... and God provided the way out!! It had nothing to do with what you did or did not do... Love and BIG hugs..