I went to Levi's grave today, gosh, I hate that word, grave. i talked to him a little differently today and cried harder than I have visiting him in a while.
The weather is cold, snow is on the ground, my surroundings are much like they were when he died last year in march. I remember getting snow again after he died. I was so mad that the snow covered his flowers.
Has it almost been a year already? it hardly feels like it.
Maybe because of the weather or because his first anniverary is coming up I feel quite similar as I did when he first died. The smell of the cold and the white blanket of snow brings back that rock in my gut.
I can't bring him back to me. I still feel like I left him somewhere and I am so ashamed. How could i lose my baby? Where was i when he needed me? How can I have another when I failed levi?
I told him that i had to keep living though i want only to lay down there with him. I just hope that he understands that I have not left him behind.
I wonder if he even remembers me now? I hope that he does because I always remember him.
I told him about his soon to be brother and it was then that the flood gates opened. I secretly wish it was Levi, but I know that there will never be another Levi. I wonder if wishing that sometimes makes me a horrible person. hell, I can't help but want my baby home with me.