We only live up the road from the cemetary that Levi's in but it doesn't bridge the distance or bring very much comfort. It's only his body, not his beutiful life that is up the road. Sometimes I think the craziest things, I get so desperate to have him back and roll back the clock and make this all just a very bad dream. I drive my husband crazy with my obsessive thoughts and emotions, he really doesn't know what to do for either of us. I wish that one of us did have some answers. My two other children are really doinf well, my oldest son, wh's eight, is doing a memory book for him and Levi. He had a lot of questions and the first six months were pretty tough for him at home and school, but he is so strong and has handled levi's death better than even us grown ups. Lacey. levi's twin, is full of energy and personality. She holds her bunny at night close to her and rarely sleep all night (still) but I know that it's because she was never alone and now is void of that comfort she had sleeping by her twin brother.
Levi was born with problems, he had a condition called craniosynostosis, which simply meens that his soft spots fused before they were supposed to. A day after they were born, he came down with pnemonia and was sent to the NICU for almost two weeks. That was horrifying because noone could promise us anything. But, he made it through like a champ, ate like a horse and gained back the weight he lost while sick. At three months old, he had surgery to open up his scull so his head would shape normally. Again, we almost lost him. He lost a lot of blood and got pretty sick, after a transfusion, he perked up and healed fast. we thought those hospitalizations would be his last, we prayed so. Seeing your baby struggle with wires and oxygen and monitors and IVs was the worst and most humbling thing that we had ever faced.
We had him home for five months before he died of SIDS. The doctors had insisted that he was healthy and perfect before he passed away. I never believed it, my husband said that I was paranoid, scared, traumatized from Levi's past, but something in my heart always nagged at me. i made so many trips to the doctor only to be told that Levi was graet. He looked great, he acted great, but something was missing.
Anyway, I found him in his crib only 30 minutes after I layed him down for his nap. I had showered and then checked on the babies, still nude, to find him face down. I knew that I was too late when I rolled him over. But, I didn't give up. I gave him cpr and screamed for Jesus in between each breath. I still wonder why after all that had already happened. I'm still angry, bitter in some ways.
I was alone when I found him. I'm glad that noone else bares those memories, I've nearly lost my mind remembering those few minutes, those first days. But, if my husband had been there, he was certified in cpr, I wonder if we would have had a chanse. I realize that the what if's only make this worse but I still can't help it. Levi was my sunshine.
I never had a favorite but I swear my heart beat for him a little more with every day that I saw him grow. I only wanted him to be ok.
I feel like a failure, i know that I failed. He was only a room away from me and I left him to die. I hope I heal, but I know that i'll always bare this guilt.
He might have fulfilled his purpose on earth, but that will never fill the void that is left. Some say that the Lord will fill it, I'm sure that He can but I don't know if I can let anyone in there. I miss Levi so much.