This is it.  I am totally worn out now!  Wayyyyy too many late nights and early mornings.  I just got home from work and getting ready to head out the door.   I surprised myself today when out of the blue I had a great big meltdown.  Had to call my boss and ask her to come home early so I could get some sleep.   I haven't had any meltdowns for the last couple of days so today I made up for it.   I've managed to inch my way up the stairs a bit, from the deep dark dungeon of despair and hopelesness, and today when I lost control I almost got dragged back down to the basement...aaahhhhh!   I'm trying to keep control right now while I'm writing this but I feel my grip loosening...making me mad!!!   I have to get some sleep before I start pick ups for church, but I don't want to go out and be around anyone, I just want to be here in my apt, alone and safe.    I am still not good at being around a bunch of people right now, I don't feel comfortable and I worry I will spew some deep emotion out on them, it doesn't take much to spark a fire of rage in me now a days.   So I need to make a decision, and I'm not good at that any more either...gggrrr!   I WANT MY LIFE BACK!   What else can I say?!   I want to be around my friends, and go to church, and teach bible studys and work and and and.....but all the desire in me is gone and I can't find it.   I am getting myself all worked up so I better get off here before I babble too much.       Love you's all and thanks.   Ramona    oxxoox