Well, I made it through the big outing to the big city.   I am finding it very hard to pretend to be smiling when I feel so blah on the inside.   I saw some friends I haven't seen since Family Bible Camp last summer.   I have been in our church for 12 years and sure made alot of friends.    That's cause I talk alot and am pretty full of love,  boy,  when did things change for me I don't know....seems like a very long time ago I felt true love for anyone except for a few.    The day was full of events and fellowship and church services.   Then we stayed overnight at my friends and came home this afternoon.   It is nice to be home but feel very alone.   My friend is gone away till next weekend and my Pastor and his wife are gone till next weekend.   Have a full day of church and fellowship tommorow,  maybe my smile will be genuine when I wake up in the morning.    Will I ever be "fine" again?    Will my smile ever be real again?   Are these things happening to me because of my meds or because of my bp?    Have I shifted gears with this disease?  O man, I hope not!    Coming here on DS is very familiar to me.  I'm so glad I have you all as friends.   Love Ramona  XOXOXOXOXOXO