Hi all.  I survived this last week!  So glad it's over!  Last monday when I started feeling depressed and moody I should have known that I was heading for trouble,  but you know,  I have been in denial for so long about all this bp stuff and taking meds that I haven't been focused.   Well, I am going to try to stay focused from now on.  If I can recognize my triggers I could save myself alot of misery and maybe even my life!   When I look back on the last few weeks in my medical journal I can see I was heading for trouble.  And the first 24hrs of taking Risperdal I was wide awake and couldn't sleep, I knew that this new med was affecting me the wrong way but I didn't take it as a warning and suffered severe consequences because of it!   The place of depression this med brought me too was a new experience of depth for me.  I went into a place for 10wks last march that was awful.  It felt like I was in a box and couldn't get out.  Everywhere I went and even if I touched people, it was from this box.  I visulized it had a window and sometimes I would open the curtain and be looking out to the world but I just couldn't get out...it was horrible!  This last week I was in a place that is opposite from the box.  I was out in the open and couldn't find a refuge.  I was paranoid about leaving my house and I didn't leave for 2 days.  I had a hard time going to church even and I've always sought my refuge there with God, I just couldn't get away from this paranoid feeling I had about being around people, and those I was around I was snappy and not my "normal' self, everyone bugged me you know?   Last thursday I stopped taking that new med and by saturday I was feeling better, and by sunday I was enjoying myself, very catiously but enjoying myself.  Today I feel very depressed and very emotional and crying lots on the drop of a hat, but I realized that I can handle this part of my bp, where I just spent the last week I couldn't handle that again!  I want to learn the signs that trigger me and warn me.  I can't imagine being this organized and on the ball right now, but I have been keeping a journal and a medical journal too for my bpdoc.    He called me today to check in with me.  He wants to see me in the morning to talk and have a visit.  I told him that I was now ready to stay working with him about my meds, I realize that I need to keep working at it with my pdoc until we find a cocktail that works for me.  I wish now that I never went off my meds before, I didn't realize the affect it would have on me now.  Live and learn!  I'm so thankful for all my friends here on DS and send lots of love your way.  Keep an eye out for me my friends, as I well with you's.   Ramona  xoxoxoxoxoxooxox