Well.......this is it.....I GIVE UP!!! What is the use of all this positive practising and taking my meds when I can't last more than a couple of days...aaahhhh!!! I am fed up with all this Bipolar stuff....I've had enough of the yo yo train, just when I think I have made it to the other side of the tracks....CRASH....down again! How can I possibly start feeling so good and positive and then one morning wake up and it is all stripped away...again! I HATE HAVING BIPOLAR!!!!!! Did I not say that loud enough....I HATE HAVING BIPOLAR!!!!! I am tired of people asking me "How are you today?" and I look them in the eye and say "Hi, thanks for asking." How many times to do I tell people when they ask that question that I HATE HAVING BIPOLAR!!!! Eh? Tell me? I woke up this morning with a bad attitude and knew I was heading for trouble, but instead of staying home and away from people I choose to do all my errands including seeing my GP. By the end of the night and church service was over I was feeling very unattached to everyone and it was busy after church. I went into the office and closed the door and stayed there as long as I could. I felt overwhelmed being around so many people, I just wanted to be at home by myself. Every conversation I had today was negative mostly. It seemed like my closest friends were deliberatly annoying me and playing little mind games....tonight was not the night to play mind games with me! Right now I am very angry, mostly at being sick and I don't want to be around anyone....they all bug me.....I BUG ME!!! I am having second and third and fourth thoughts about continuing this new med I'm on. I see my bdoc next month so if I stop taking it I can monitor how I'm doing and report in when I see him next. I don't know how many more CRASHES I can handle?! If I have a chance to feel "high" I may just consider doing that, I am sooooo sick of feeling like this! I don't want to feel like this because it makes me negative and my Bipolar feeds off of this. I guess I will see how I feel or don't feel tommorow. Thank God for you guys who understand where I am at. Thanks for listening. Take care. Love and Prayers Ramona xoxo
Replies
Ramona, My heart aches for you because I understand exactly how you feel. I have been there so many times. You have worked so hard with being stable in your life and getting back to your church activities. I admire you so much for your positivity over the last few days. I know it is hard to crash and go back to the ugly way of feeling but you know it is part of this bipolar beast that we live with. Even though you feel so poorly, you are a gift to so many in so many ways. God has trusted you with this disorder because He believes you can carry it and show others how to conquer their down times. You have done that so many times. Yes, we are miserable like this but we get through and see the light of the sun on the other side of the illness and are refreshed again. Please hang in there. I know it is tough, but I also have every confidence you will conquer it and move forward. Try some positive affirmation meditation. It always helps me see the good side of things. Love and hugs, Shelly
YOU WILL FEEL BETTER AND I KNOW YOU HAVE A SWEET SPIRIT.... LIFE IS SUCH A RAT RACE SOMETIMES BUT ITS THE SMALL MOMENTS THAT I CHERISH...SOME ANALYST HUN....WELL HOWS THIS WE LOVE YOU AND WANT TO TELL YA .....HANG IN THERE SUNSHINE,,,,,,
Thanks my friends. I really don\'t know what I\'d do without your support! I love you\'s too! oxox