Well,  this is new for me, writing a journal for all to see.   This is my 11th day since I started taking Lithium.   I was diagnosed in 1997 with Bi-polar when I went to a sleep clinic for 2 days.   When I returned home and saw my GP she started me on an anti-depressent but......she DID NOT tell me why and I didn't know enough about communication skills to ask or even be concerned about anything.   2 yrs prior to this I was diagnosed with Hep-C and was busy trying to cope with that health issue.  Looking back over the past 10 yrs I now see I have been "up and down" all my life,  I dealt with these "ups and downs" through a llloonnngggg road of destruction over my teen and adult yrs, my teens is when I contacted Hep-C,  and I haven't felt well since my early 20's.   In 2003 I moved to Calgary, Alberta where I discovered the word "Bi-polar" on my medical records I brought with me for my new GP.   I hadn't heard of this Bi-polar before but it sounded serious so I asked my new GP what it was.  When she told me it was manic depression I was shocked.   I was never told about this and I have never seen a Phyciatrist to be diagnosed, so that is when I started seeing a Specialist,  I moved to Nanaimo,B.C. shortly after this and continued seeing a specialist here.   When I first started going to this specialist he didn't think I had bi-polar, I was doing treatment for my Hep-C at this time and was very sick and depressed.   I was put on 2 anti-depressents during this year period and when my treatment was over and I could actually take care of myself I took myself off of all 3 meds in a 3 month period,  I did this because I knew my specialist would advise me not to discontinue my meds and I had a 3 month waith until my next appt. which worked out great for me to do this without any discouragement.   My specialist also knew that over the past 10 yrs I would go off and on my meds like a yo-yo. He was very concerned when I went to my appt med free!   I was going to him for a year and a half at this point.   My specialist decided that I would benefit best emotionally at this point by staying off meds and trying it on my own, I hated bieng on meds so much and my compassionate doctor agreed to try this, but.....ohhh.......now I see how very smart he really is, he knew the whole time I  was going to "crash, it was only a matter of time.  I saw him regularly during the next 15 mnths. and tried to convince him I didn't need to come back but he insisted and I gave in to his requests and kept coming back,  I really thought I had this depression thing licked!     Then.......one day.....CRASH!!!    I lasted 15 mnths.     That was at the end of March 2007,   My specialist put me on a mood stabilizer called Gabapentan for the next 3 mnths but I was so far below the surface of "normal" I couldn't get out of my depression,  after 15 mnths of being "manic high" I really did myself in.........it took me 10 wks to get out of that "box".......I was sooo devastated and thought I would never get out of the space I was in.   Let me tell you I never want to go that far again!    My specialist put me on an anti-depressent called Wellburtin XL and for the next 5 mnths we tried this to see if it would work together with my mood stabilizer.  It didn't work so we tried a new anti depressent called Nortryptiline.....AAAAAHHHHH!!!!  After 2 wks I had no emotions at all just like the Celexa did to me so we got off of that real quick.   Now just 11 days ago I am put on Lithium,  started at 300mg and now taking 600mg  then next week if all is well I will go off of the Wellbutrin and try Lithium on it's own.    Lithium has awful side effects for me and I am just about at the end of my rope and want to call it quits with everything but I know what will happen if I do so I am too scared to stop thank God!  I am in contact with my doctor every few days and we have an emergency plan if I CRASH.    I am feeling very very seperated from everyone and just want to give up all hope and go to sleep forever and end this yo-yo war in my brain!!!    I am concerned for my safety sometimes but I am managing.    I could talk all day but I need to get out and be with people before I go any further down,   hope someone out there is reading this and can relate to me, please feel free to write me back.    Thanks for listening  and God Bless      Love and Prayers     Ramona    alias  Pulpit    oxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo