My Life Story + coping with this disorder...For the last year I spent a lot of time trying to describe this to others and justify it for myself.  Heart Disease, Cancer, Diabetes are all acceptable and empathetic physical disorders.  However, a chemical imbalance in the brain IS PHYSICAL and AFFECTS BEHAVIOR and nobody feels empathetic or sorry for us instead they separate us and ostrasize us.  I hate being alienated or cast aside because of this.  I've started working hard to teach those around me that this is very much like the flu!  I am fine most of the time but then the "flu bug" hits me and I have to vomit.  I vomit emotions though, Anger, Sorrow, Hatred, Love, Openness the list goes on.  It is like being "sick".  We should be taking the meds because it is like every other PHYSICAL DISORDER. People with heart disease take high blood pressure meds every day,  people with diabetes actually have to stick themselves, people with cancer have to have chemo... BP's are silly to think that they shouldn't take meds because it is mental or to feel worse because of the reason we are taking meds you know. Alcohol is the prime choice for self medicators.  I believe that BP has been through every male in my fathers line.  My Great Great Grand Father died overdosing on alcohol I believe he was self medicating using alcohol.  My great grand father died of cerosis (sp?) of the liver and same with my grand father again I think self medicating.  My father was an alcoholic for much of his life until he started having bad migraines and ended up on a pill to control migraines (but it was also an antidepressant) and gave him the ability to quit drinking.  I though have never been an "alcoholic".  I might drink on Friday or Saturday but I only drink one sometimes two it makes me over full and I hate that feeling.  I also am terrified of being out of control and it makes me feel out of control of myself.  As far back as my journals go (which started when I was eight) there is evidence of the disorder.  I was suicidal much of my high school years.  My moods seemed normal though to me... for several reasons.  First of all I had NO IDEA that my dad had problems with moods and he would often freak out or switch moods etc and I just thought that it was normal and had no idea why it happened.  I was homeschooled so I didn't get out and meet other people that would be "normal" and give me a healthy comparison to what I thought was "normal".  When I went to college that was it.  I had all the while thought something was wrong and I was mad at God much of the time for making my Father twice once as my father and then a second time as me.  It seemed very unfair.Anyhow College was insane.  I did very well academically thanks to God but emotionally I started getting MUCH WORSE! I was hit by a car when I was in the beginning of my second year and all of my dreams of being a concert pianist went out the window.  I am extremely good at playing the piano but I could no longer sit for 6-8 hours without intense pain.  When I was first hit before they knew that as a result from the accident a permanent nerve disorder (resulting from damage from the accident) was triggered and that was why I could no longer seem to grip a door nob to turn it or I would involuntarily loose grip on things like a glass of soda etc.  I went through years of physical therapy to regain control and was given REALLY STRONG MEDS.  But finally I decided that I didn't want to be medicated for the rest of my life because of pain so I opted for the home remedy which is consistent stretching and exercise and massage... It works most of the time at least.  Anyhow finding out that my career was no longer an option DESTROYED ME!  It felt like my soul had been ripped out and I wanted to die.  And that really triggered the tilt-a-whirl.  I then started missions and went to help others who were suffering and it made me feel better but elation to depression continued to be the pendulum.  I sought help through counseling from my Pastor and he helped me work through some of my daddy issues but had no ability to diagnose why I felt the way I did and just believed that I was broken and bleeding because of spiritual issues.  I then moved to the Bahamas on a whim when I was offered a job and just picked up and moved there.  Nothing to move to, no place to stay, no phone to call home, no heat or cool to have, no food even to eat.  When I moved there I lived in the abandoned parsonage still no cool air and no food.  I went for 2 weeks without food or air until I found an appartment and got a forward check from work.  This started the worst period of my life thus far.  To keep it short they hate white people.  They blame us for a lot of there problems and for the first time in my life I was a minority.  It was aweful!  I was attacked 3 times and raped once.  I wanted to die so many times and I started spiraling out of control.  By the end of the three years I lived there and the 2 years of marriage to one Bahamian I had had enough.  I went to the dr down there and told him I needed prozac and was not doing well.  That helped a lot for awhile.  I then moved home (I hated it there) and started a life.  Still bouncing from one job to another about every year.  I worked for Dell then got pregnant and quit.  I started working part time and tried to start an inhome daycare, then tried to live off of teaching piano lessons, then worked for Olive Garden, MusicNMotion with preschoolers, cleaned homes... so on and so on.  Finally I was freaking out all the time and started a fulltime job.  I had run us up into 25k in credit card debt and we had to declare bankruptcy.  Without the cushion of credit we were going without food and my baby was great but I wasn't and I was freaking out.  I had to go to work fulltime which meant leaving my baby with somebody else which I hated but had to do.  I went through terrible separationg anxiety and massive depression and our marriage was SERIOUSLY on the rocks.  I was ready to divorce and had thoughts of going back to my first love and started smoking again I was totally out of control.  I finally decided myself to call the help line provided at work.  Saw a therapist and I told her I thought I might be BP was diagnosed and started seeing a psychiatrist last year.  So I've been officially diagnosed for 1.2 years.  But been BP all of my life.  Wow this was long but it felt good to get it out though I hope you enjoy reading it.  It is quite a story and there is so much more to it than what I typed here.