COUNSELING DOESN'T HELP!~ HE'S STILL AN ASSHOLE! Unfortunately we have gone through a year of counseling.  Once a week for a year at $35 is expensive and we just couldn't keep it up.  I brought up going again but he just scoffed at that.  It's my mood I nkow but I FREAKING HATE HIM TODAY! He is being an asshole! Oh and yes of course I've talked to him about being a weekend family person.  I talk to him about all of this.  I communicate what it is I need and I bought him all kinds of books to read.  He just doesn't care!  Today of course my weekend, my day off I go out to get some ingredients that we need and I call him and was like hey the sales are only on til1 11 (it was 9:30) He was like no I don't want to go and I shouldn't be spending money ... So I was like okay what would you like to do.  He said he wants to stay home and clean and shit.  Yeah that is what I want to do on my day off.  CLEAN!  Cook... stand barefoot in the kitchen and bare his fucking children.  God damn him! So I get home and he is like... You know I don't think you should buy anyone in yoru family a christmas present.  (man this is must making my blood boil.) Normally I go home every Christmas since I've known him (that's seven years). It costs 350- for the ticket and then anothyer bunch of money for gifts so easily in years past I've dropped 500 on my family christmas.  This year I agreed because he "really wants me to stay home" to not go... As if that isn't enough now I'm not supposed to buy them some damn gifts.  See the problem.  This is why I don't ask him, I don't listen to him.  He's freaking stupid crazy off the wall.  I give him an inch... I start to compromise and try to make an attempt to "be better, and include him" and his response is to put me on lockdown.  He has no reason to be this stupid.  I at least have a reason to be stupid crazy... He's f*ing normal and still is a freak! God I am so mad right now.  So then I get upset right in this conversation and I'm like isn't it enough that I"m willing to talk to you about the amount I spend on gifts.  I'm already giving up my vacation time with my family. Which now I don't want to do.  I simply don't want to spend any extra time off with him.  He isn't fun and he's a jerk when I"m around him.  I don't want to be around him. I told him that I don't want to be around him because he gets like this.  That is why I go home every holiday, I know He will ruin the holiday for me.  His face turns horrible and he becomes an ogre fuck face! He never listens to me.  He cutts me off midway through my first sentence and then says some kind of stupid decree like he is the f*ing king of the hill.  Then when I try to speak with him about this *(oh and i'm not screaming or throwing a fit... I'm calmly asserting me opinion or at least the three words of it I can get out.  I'm actually in control of myself I think the Seroquel is working.) anyhow he says oh you think I'm stupid huh.  You always think you are better than me.  He's got some kind of complex about being stupid.  If I disagree with anything he's like you are calling me stupid.  I never use that word so the fact that he is bringing it up means he is scared that people think that of him.  Then he just walks off.  So I finish working on fixing the coffee machine (got it 50% off on Black Friday $80 cutt down to $40 and it grinds the beans and all... it is awesome).  and I head upstairs to help him fix the bed.  I find the bed all torn apart and the mattress leaning up against the book case.  Now to give you some perspective I'm allergic to dust mites.  Dust mites are like tiny mini ticks that live in the carpet, couches, bedding, anything that a human might touch.  When our skin molecules shed or any human matter drops onto the cloth they eat it.  They don't bite or anything they are too tiny.  Anyhow I'm allergic to them and there dead.  It is really gross I know... Anyhow I have to have all of my bedding wrapped in plastic adn he poked a hole in the plastic wrap AGAIN!  This has happened three times in a short period of time.  Each time I have to go and buy a new one for like $22.00.  So I'm like you asked for my help and I told you I would do it after I fixed the coffee machine.  he says, " well I'm capable of doing things on my own. "  I said, " you asked for my help and I told you that I would help you. I'm not saying you couldn't do it but you asked for my help because YOU didn't think you could do it on your own."  So I inspected the mattress and sure enough he poked a hole in it.  I was like this is ridiculous.  Now I was mad and started yelling and it didn't help that during this entire time my 3year old son is yabbering and he says the same thing over and over and over again until you respond to him.  It makes me crazy.  I'm like freaking out and Rickie says you are really a miserable woman.  Over the last week I found out that I can't get pregnant for like 3-6 months, I am going through a ridiculously hard medicine change, and I have been freaking out because my meds aren't working.  He hasn't been there for me through any of this.  He only wants to know me when I'm happy go lucky... AND HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO SAY I'M A MISERABLE FUCKING WOMAN.  I mean that was the last straw... I got Caleb ready to go grabbed a drink for both of us and left for the lake.  We went to the lake and threw rocks in and played with the ball.  When I got back home I made Caleb chicken nuggets (I make everything from scratch because I believe it is healthier) and some stuffing and mashed potatoes... you know, my son didn't eat a bite! not one bite!!!!! So I clean up and Rickie is yammering on about stuff I don't even want to hear like where did we go, was it fun, etc... I'm sitting there thinking what the hell does he think... I'm just going to pretend he's not being a self centered bastard!  ... And now.... it is now.  I'm in my sons room typing and he is down for his nap.  I just want to kill my husband or die myself, but right now killing Rickie sounds better.  Of course there are people on here that might do that kind of thing.  I"m using it more as an expression but seriously he is a bastard!..So what am I going to do... I am not going to do counseling firstly because he won't do it, but secondly I'm freaking sick of trying to work through all of this to no avail.  All it accomplishes is Rickie gets to think and treat me like I'm a crazy and justify treating me like crap never owning that he is an active participant in making me miserable.  It also consumes a large part of the budget that I don't really have! I am also not going to include him on my decisions.  I know that I shouldn't make them on my own, but I'll be damned if I'm going to ask his advice anymore.  He's just a selfish jerk.  He just finished giving my mother his wish list and then turns around in the same day and says that she should realize that we are a family and have a mortgage, and bills to pay... we can't buy them anything.  I don't trust my decision making abilities anymore I mean I have really screwed up in the past... but I have no other choice.  He is ridiculous oh and did I mention he is a bastard!Thank you for the advice everybody all of you have kindly given me through the last weeks email about my husband and the help I needed. Everyone responded in much the same way and unfortunatley I'm just not up for the battle.  I'm down for the count and my husband thinks it is a good time to drop kick me into obvilion.... Well being BP I'm very happy to oblige.  He doesn't want to help me which in turn is helping himself well then I'LL FREAK ON HIM TILL HE DECIDES TO STRAIGHTEN UP OR GET THE F*** OUT OF MY LIFE!  I'm sorry to vent in this ridiculously long journal but I know most if not all will not read it.  I feel a bit better actually just having somebody or typing all of this out without any judgement or response really.  I always like hearing people cheer me up, it makes me feel like they really care.  It makes me feel like I'm not alone.  People always try to fix things though... Some things just can't be fixed and you have to live with the broken pieces laying all around you and you know..... sometimes it fucking cutts you!  That is life.  There isn't much else to it.  You break and then you live broken...