Ok I was writing this great hug to Benitro and I thought it kind of summed up a bit so I wanted to paste it in here. Cause it is true and it needs to be here. I'm angry too but I have a reason. I hate this freaking challenge of BP. I just don't want to be me you know... I want to be that person where her worst problem is she can't decide what comforter she wants to match her draperies. I don't want to struggle to be able to think clearly. I want to go see my therapist but if I do the problem is that I will inevitably show her what I am like at that moment... but won't be able to communicate how messed up I really am. I went last Wednesday and told the woman I was fine and nothing was wrong and I don't know why my Pdoc sent me over. Ha! She took it and said she would write a note to my Pdoc saying that i only had to come to her as needed. I mean what do you do with that. To make it worse I was completely convinced at that moment that I was write and completely fine. But you know I'm having these crazy moments. I want to blow my brains out... Just want it all to be over. I don't hear voices but I keep thinking these thoughts that don't seem my own. I'm walking down the street today with my best friend from work. He is the most amazing guy I have ever met and i am intensely jealous of his wife. Not that I find him attractive but that she has such an attentive loving husband. He just seems to know what to say. My husband, though I've asked him a million times to talk, has decided that this is not a happy time and so I just simply don't exist to him. Anyhow I'm standing next to him as we walk our lunch mile to try and relieve stress and I can't stop thinking I hate this life and i want to die. Then from no where I think, I don't want to die I want to live. I want to live for Caleb and I want to live because it is a God given Gift to live. But then like a wave in the ocean it hits me again how this is hopeless and for life and that every day after this one will be the same struggle but different but the same you know. And then here comes another wave of but it isn't hopeless because of drugs and such... and the ocean just keeps on rolling. I could hardly get out of my head long enough to say anything other than I just want to die right now to him. Which right then I did... About 2 hours later I was fine again. Happy as a lark like nothing was wrong. I mean my emotions write now can be triggered by something as simple as a friend walking with me and all of a sudden the world seems right. I need help but I just am not sure that drugs are that help. So I did take a full Lamictal tonight which brings me to 400mg of Lamictal and 100 mg of Seroquel (scared to death). You know I've been having a horrible horrible horrible time with panic and fear. I don't even type it or speak it because I'm afraid that if I do it will happen. I do all kinds of things to prevent all kinds of things. I'm just so scared all the time. It is exhausting to feel that way. I'm exhausted and confused and I don't know how to make decisions that are going to be good if I can't figure out anything else through this cloud of crazy illusions.
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I am very sad and concerned for you. It sounds like you need a new, better therapist. A good one should be able to see through what you are hiding by your body language and breathing. You really should be giving your body a chance to adjust to the meds. Take them faithfully at the same time every day. bp sufferers don\'t want to take meds. When we have a good day we think we don\'t need medication any more. Take it everyday in the doses prescribed. You can\'t self medicate. It doesn\'t work. Trust me. I was in the same place you are 4 weeks ago. I haven\'t been on the meds long, but I see enough of a difference to keep moving ahead. You have to move back into your body and it is too much for you to do alone. Keep Caleb in the front of your mind and deep in your heart. You can do this. Suicide is NOT AN OPTION!!! I am here for you. Take care and keep your chin up, Dee
Maybe the real problem is that for those of us with bi-polar, suicide is an option. I feel that same concern that you do that it is there and you are right to fear it and at the same time the pain makes us long for it at times. The best you can do is to know how you feel, and stay scared of hurting those around us. Guilt controls so much of what we do and it can suck at times, but it can keep us alive through those painful moments when we want to die. So if that\'s what it takes to survive, \"live with it.\" At least until we can find a better reason.
I feel the way you feel, I struggle the way you struggle, and I appreciate the strength you have that has gotten you this far.
Keep the faith as long as you can and then, if you have to, \"live out of spite.\" ;)
Later,
Dave