I just spoke with the Pdoc.  I don't konw what to say or think anymore.  I just hate this disoder or disease or whatever you want to call it.  I hate it and it is unfair and mean and ridiculous and incapacitation and I hate it.  This is  so unfair and I don't understand any of it.  I'm really mad, sad, hurt, just raw like the end of a rope when you cut it.  All the ends of each strand splayed out for everyone to see.  I feel like that.  At my visit at the Pdoc he told me that I need to NOT get pregnant for 3-6 months.  I just dissolved at that.  I can still just sitting here typing dissolve into tears.  Why!  Why! why? I'm so hurt right now I don't even know how to breathe.  I hate him for saying that.  Maybe he is wrong maybe he doesn't know what he is talking about.  I don't even know how to tell how bad i am.  I survived 28 years without knowing I had this, without having a treatment plan. I have never given it the right or the ability to determine a single step in my life.  Mind you some of the steps were determined by it without me knowing but still I thought I knew what was going on.  I feel really out of control like a victim now and I think this might be the worst (although every day turns over a new leaf for worst).  I feel like I can't breathe.  I'm having a panic attack almost, if not every day at around 3-4pm.  Sometimes they last 30 minutes to 3 hours.  It is aweful and leaves me exhausted.  I feel jittery during these attacks.  I've also been having sun flares of emotion.  Just little pockets of gas that cause a spectacular explosion off of the sun's surface... That is exactly what I am doing.  I don't want to be me anymore.  I don't want to be different, or have "special needs".  I asked the Pdoc for FMLA leave.  He said that he has never heard of the "bank" kind where you pull days out you need when you need and not more often.  He has only heard of either taking 1 day a week or all of it at once.  I asked him abuot my really bad days and he said that I can come into the office and get written permission from him... but frankly with a $35 dollar copay.. and a day worth $65 the visit would put me in the hole quite abit!... I also asked him about a DXd letter that EXPLAINED  my "special needs" how i"m protected by the ADA and all that.  He said that with a mental issue and the fluctuating nature it is hard to prove, or something like prove that it was the disorder.  He thinks it is better left unsaid and left alone... Which puts me in the same damn place i was before today meetings.  I am broken right now and my heart hurts.  I can't even stay on the topic more than a couple of sentences.  Oh God how do I accept this?  How do I not scream and pout and throw my hands at heaven hating everything.  How are we supposed to do this? Where the hell is the freaking instruction manual.  I want one!!!! I want to do this with no more extra hurt.  You knwo the kind of hurt that hurts because it wants to and not because there is something there really hurting you.  I also want to know what to do with this very real hurt I have right now.  I think my ribs are breaking inward to try and touch the pain and make it stop.  This is when Iusually write a song but I'm so tired that my head is rolling on my shoulders and my fingers are tyoping but my eyes are sleeping lids closed with a few tears just slipping by.  Oh this hurts.  I'm hurt. I don't know what to think.  I told my husband over the phone as I was driving home and by the time I got home he walked into the living room plopped down and went to sleep.  I can't do this by myself.  I've had Caleb for 2 hours now by myself.  I just don't have any time to have this problem right now.  My best friend called me as I pulled in to the driveway and I just exploded into tears.  I couldn't hold them back.  Poor thing I feel terrible for her.  I must ahve left her so worried.  I don't want her to hurt because I'm hurting.  I hate that.  I hate how loved ones suffer because we are suffering.  I hate that we are suffering in the first place.  Oh God where, where are we supposed to go?  I can't go anywhere anymore.  I just sit here and hurt with the tears rolling and the fingers typing. I know I'm rambling on and on and I haven othing really I'm saying but I want to be here.  I want to be where I can just go on and on and not make sense, buit still it somehow makes sense here.  I'm tired of there being another person in the conversation.  I'm too much to handle right now let alone someone else right now. I dont' mean that in am ean way I just mean to say I'm hurting and that is eating me up and nothing is left for anyone else.  I'm tired.  I'm going to bed.  I wish you all would read my journals.  I've written several entries and no one has said anything... It makes me sad when people here are distant.  I need this place right now.  God I hate needing this place, I hate this whole thing.  I am so sad , so sad.......