Goodmorning right!  So one of my coworkers approached me this morning to tell me she was upset with me because I told someone something she said.  She did not say it in private but she is spinning it that I heard her wrong and so I apologized... I do that now I don't even care if I'm wrong.  I just say I'm sorry.  I hate this job!  I love what I do but I hate the people that I work with!!!!!! I have my PDOC appointment today.  I have a lot to talk about and I'm afraid that I'll miss something.  I think these people charge way to much money for there 5 minutes that seem so rushed.  I never feel like I have the time I need to get it all in.  I also feel like the environment makes it hard to remember all of the stuff.  And you know that they are always evaluating how you are reacting to things, watching for like signs of the illness... You know so I feel invaded and careful to say what I mean.  I don't want them to think that I'm too bad, but I want them to know that I'm not well.  It's just this horrible guessing game on both parties behalf.  I hate it too!!!!!As far as how I'm feeling... I feel really unbalanced.  Up and then down and really really agitated!  One minute I'm extatic and the next i'm in the depths.  I'm cuddly with the hubby and then furious because he's in my way in the kitchen.  I play with my son and then demand he pick up his toys immediately.  I'm just really unrealistic and irrational right now.  The hardest part is accepting this because I don't want to be sick right now.  I want to pretend everything is allright.  It is not.I went shopping this weekend first time in 3 years since I declared bankruptcy.  I had earned it in so many ways.  I have worked hard to loose 30 pounds.  I won 2k in the campaign contest at work.  I haven't gone on a shopping spree in a long long long time... That counts a lot :-). So I went out and it was like God knew I needed new clothing.  I started at Kohls and  didn't find anything and then went to New York and Co.  (awesome EXPENSIVE) and I found 4 pair of dress pants, 2 casual dress pants, 4 tops and a new little black dress (a must have for every woman). It should have cost over $550 and I spent $116 with tax.. unbelievable.  Then I went shoe shopping at target and got 3 pair of gorgeous up to date shoes to go with my new outfits.  And then the next day I got an expensive and gorgeous haircutt. (the woman took an hour and fifteen minutes which is unheard of for a hairstylest.  She did an awesome job and I feel like a new woman.  I mean really new not like a fat, exhausted working mother/wife, with bipolar!  So that is a major thank you JESUS!

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Wow! I\'m glad you got to do something for yourself. You\'re very clear about what you\'re going through in writing this journal. You should be that clear talking to your doc. If you\'re uncomfortable or don\'t trust him/her is it possible to find one that you do?
deleted_user
deleted_user

With all the hard effort in exercising to lose your weight hon you do deserve and spending spree, wow! I bet your new hairstyle is fabulous. What did hubby have to say with the new you? Tomorrow visit with the P/Dr. write everything down on paper you want to discuss or what to know. Why you can print out some of the things you have written in your journal thats upset you here in DS to help you remember stuff to talk about. Just a thought to help ya! As far as work concern you did the right thing, by saying you are sorry and walking away. That takes guts even if you did not do anything..You can bring up your job situation with your Dr. too. Good luck, to get more time from your P/Dr. make your appointments as late as possible then he/she will have more time with you. That has worked well for me, for my Dr. is not rushed to see other patients because I\'m the last person for the day, or next to it. Just tell the secretary to make your appointment as late as possible that you want to be the last person for the day. But don\'t tell her why or she will not do it..Good luck tomorrow..