Still struggling with morning.  I actually got up at 6:15 my bewitching hour after the three alarms... But somehow was still able to leave late.  And this time I dropped the Yoga.  I don't know maybe I should have 2 bodies... Then I could do it all.  I did have a good night though. I decided recently that I need time to just be exhausted and collapse and veg in front of the t.v. but I also need to be involved in teaching Caleb his ABC's and stuff... So I compromised with the two needs I"m facing.  Every night at 8pm I have the option to veg (that is my "sick" hour if i need it).  Otherwise Monday Wednesday and Friday are tv days (I still play with Caleb but it's more free time).  Tuesday and Thursday nights after dinner me, my husband and Caleb will sit and play games like Elmo hot potato, or Super Hero Memory.  We also color, do our ABC's (he can sing them on his own now! Hugh acheivement!!!!) count various objects...  So we did that last night and it was very rewarding and Caleb just eats up the quiet parents with him focusing on him time.  It think that is so essential! However today,  I'm tired.  Really really tired!  My morning problem is exacerbated by the fact that I want to create more Caleb moments in the morning.  You know where I can stop and spend time doing something he wants.  Right now I get up Yoga, Shower, Get dressed to the news... Wake him up, Mommy momment, potty time (for him), get him dressed and then the whirlwind picks up speed.  Grab our stuff race downstairs throw my lunch together, give him his vitamins, he feeds the dog while I sort through what I have to take to work (he is talking this entire time which stresses me out to no end!  I mean I have to hold myself together because he is yacking the whole time!) Give the dogs his vitamins let him out to pea grab everything go out thedoor.  Caleb refuses to walk from the door to the car (He chooses certain things he wants to still be a baby about).  I tell you it is crazy crazy crazy!So I am thinkgin and anxious about my PDOC appointment on Monday.  I need to think or plan on what I'm going to say to him.  I don't know really.  I'll go in and he will ask me what has been going on.  I'll tell him probably that I've really been putting off seeing him and tryin as best as I can to lead a normal life.  Problem is I'm not normal and i don't know if it is the pretending, medication balance, increase in stress, changes in diet, etc that might have triggered some mood swings.  But I've been way up and way down in the last 4 weeks and that means I'm not stabalized.  I'm sure he is going to want to up my meds but I'm really really not wanting to do that.  But maybe he can think of something else.  Some thing alternative.  you know.  So talking about stress the next two days I will be physically in contact all day with the sales team.  Normally I sit in a 4x4 grey cube sectioned off from everyone with only my coffee, computer and phone.  I work at a Christian music publishing company on Music Row in Nashville TN.  Christian does not mean forgiving.  No matter what Christians think others should look a certain way so when I'm suffering and not well I get judged wether it is for an outburst or too much time off from work.  They just constantly judge me and for that reason I can't stand the people I work with so tomorrow and Friday should be interesting days.  Pray pray pray for me if you will! I'm not in a bad mood.  I'm not but I'm definitely floating like a feather down each day.  My energy is decreasing, and my outlook on life is adjusting.  I hate to see the up go but now I'm starting to get scared that the down is coming.  Right now I am ok just barely able to keep my eyes open.  I really wonder how I make it some days....