So Tuesday was the worst day I have had in a long long LONG time.  I didn't cutt myself but I had an entire full out anxiety attack and nervous break down.  It was horrible! Yesterday I was numb and really in a fowl mood. I went to counseling with my husband because I'm in a really brittle broken period of time right now and I really need him to be a traditional man.  I want him to ask me how I"m doing and care to listen.  Instead when I tell him bad or something not (good) then he shuts down and becomes a brick wall where all we do is function in the same space instead of share our souls.  I'm not sure he is my soul mate!  I need him to take on the budget, the bills, the doctors,  I need him to be my advocate and stand up to them and fight those battles.  I need to just be able to deal with what is going on inside of me and have him handle the rest of the world.  I just don't have that in him.  Sometimes I wonder if I married wrong.  He has so many things that seem to be left out of him like compassion, empathy, sympathy, or any form of caring that exists in a human nature.  But then I look at myself and I think... Poor guy he married this freaking crazy woman who in the last 3 years has gained 80 pounds and gone completely off her rocker.  What a horrible situation for him.  I don't know who to feel sorrier for myself or him.  Isn't that something!  Well anyhow around 7pm all of a sudden after counseling my foul mood lifted and I was normal.   I still feel a bit normal.  I can feel little blips of off hte chart behavior, but overall I am ok.  I have a bit of a headache and I ache all over from the fit I threw haha! I'm supposed to go on a big family reunion vacation next Wednesday.  I hope that I can hold it together for that length of time!  I'm really kind of fearful and I actually think that this Lamictal is making me worse not better.  My highs are higher than they have ever been and the same for my lows.  It is really very scary.I miss being on Trileptal.  That really worked for me.  I am reading the book "Unquiet Mind" if you haven't read it and you are bipolar it is a MUST READ! It is so insightful, however it describes how she has this wonderful psychiatrist who is there for you and I just start crying because I can't find someone like that.  I just don't feel like for times like now I have the support system that I need.  How do you build that? How do you find a good psychiatrists it's not like the gyno or a pediatrician where you go to other women and ask them what they recommend.  It is such a shameful thing to have a mental disorder and you constantly feel like people look at you like a freak.  It doesn't help that you yourself can not trust yourself.  I can't decide if I should get pregnant again.  I desperately want a second child and I kind of have this feeling I should just do it and get it over with so that I can focus on me, but then I know that it will take 3 years to really get back to me after conception... I don't know what to do.  And what if I pass this on... What if I have to hear for the rest of my life how my child struggles day in and day out with the same thing I have.  How horrible would that be! Any advice on this matter?