I will never understand or like this world!  What a miserable screw job it is.  So you all know that I have had serious troubles with my psychiatrist.  My first one was this guy Dr. Roberts who acted all niee to your face but when you had an apointment he would never come.  So you would just wait and wait.  Later I found out he was charging me $10 more than was legally allowed every visit.  So you all know that I have this new psychiatrist who switched my medicines. Dr Chochran decided it was best becasue I was thinking about getting pregnant.  During this switch she would not return my calls.  I explained on the voice mail that I was cutting myself in hysterical tears and she never called me back... Second to last visit she tells me that she will not be taking my insurance anymore I say ok... Then We make a final appointment before my insurance is null and void.  I come to teh apointment and after waiting 30-45 minutes she comes out to tell me that she can not keep the apointment.  Several weeks later I finally get to see her and tell her how miserable I've been.  She is of no help.  Well!!!! TODAY I RECEIVE A LETTER IN THE MAIL CHARGING ME $300 DOLLARS FOR 1 APPOINTMENT I SUPPOSEDLY MISSED (I never missed an appointment because I never got to see the miserable witch). 2 the second 150 was ... FOR AN APPOINTMENT I SUPPOSEDLY CANCELED!!!! (what the Hell if I canceled the appointment why the freak was I charged for it?) This is the biggest screw job ever... I saw her 3 times and those cost $25 each.  So in the time I've known her I spent $75 to see her and $300 to not! God that is so absolutely suicidal!  You know maybe psychiatrists are the ones that drive us crazy.  Maybe nothing is wrong with us at all. Now i supposedly owe her money! and for that matter $300!!!!  I don't have that and I don't want to pay her for services she never provided.  I am so freaking mad it isn't funny.  It seeps out of me like a black ooze... Like the stuff that comes out of an OD patient who just died overdosing.   She hasn't gotten my medicine right so I can't handle it.  I can't handle all that is goign wrong I can't even breathe.  I can't get my head straight enough to fix all of this.  I need someone! An advocate to go in and fight these battles! I had my worst panic attack ever today and I'm still very breathy.  My chest seized shut I couldn't breathe at all... I started hyperventalating.  I took a second anxiety pill this evening and it doesn't seem to be working at all... How is this supposed to work.  There is no real help out there for us.  I am not lazy... I work hard!  I attend my meetings I am number one on my team.  I excell and am smart and yet when I need help... When I reach out for help there is no one there!  I go to people who are paid to help others and they rip your financial soul out!  I want to say I hate this world.  I want to say there is no reason to breathe and I truelly believe that right now. .. But thati s what sucks about being bipolar it is true right now and tomorrow there is a whole new outlook.  Some might think that is great some might feel that is freedom but the thing is that going up means coming down and that doesn't seem that bright and hopeful and wonderful to me at all!   Sometimes that is great but to know that waiting till tomorrow for a better day just means that in another day it will be bad again.  It makes me want to cut myself to the bone because that is where the pain is and maybve if I cut that deep the pain will come out.  I don't even know when you go to a hospital but if I had to guess... it would be now!  My cycling is getting much worse and each mood is getting stronger.  I actually do think I might need to be hospitalized.  I've been cutting my arm in this one place. Just about the time it starts to heal I cut again.  I can't even describe the pain I am in right now.  I feel like the world is black!  That there is nothing and that every single place... every single time I turn for help somebody else steals whatever help was given to me away again! My parents just gave me $300 dollars for my car payment because I was 2 months behind and with there help I am caught up but now I'm 300 behind on this bill.  How is that right?  I want to know... What would happen if I couldn't fix all of this... If I couldn't fight my own battles what would happen if I just laid down and gave up.  Would I be left for dead.  Would the psychiatrists stop stealing my money.   I am totally a Christian and I love God but I hate I hate I hate this world this existence this rollercoaster from Hell.  It is so unfair to have to handle the same things a normal person handles without help and with a disability.  Oh and get this irony.  I want to go on disability because of all that I am going through and I have to get a Psychiatrists permission to get the disability... HA  I hate this life! So after today after this miserable souless day...!  I have to go and fix all of this tomorrow, go to work, then go to my second job, come home fix dinner and be somewhat capable of all of this somehow!